Daar lag ik weer opgerold als een klein balletje in het hoekje van mijn bed. Met zoveel donkere schaduwen om me heen. Vanuit een hoekje van mijn ziel kon ik echt wel zien hoe moeilijk jij het had mij zo te zien en wilde ik het liefste zeggen, ik heb je nodig. Maar dat deed ik niet. Ik bleef liggen, huilend en klein.
Gek van onmacht werd je, jouw kleine vogeltje verslagen daar in dat hoekje en niks wat je zei of deed was goed.
Toch trok je je van al die duisternis om me heen niks aan en kwam je gewoon naast me liggen en sloeg je je armen om me heen.
Dat waren de momenten dat ik uit die verstijving kwam, ik mijn adem langzaam weer los kon laten. Ook al zei ik dan nog steeds niets.
Je wist dat mijn workshop die ik had gedaan zo goed had geholpen en toen ik na een paar donkere dagen echt compleet instortte probeerde je me aan te moedigen om te doen wat ik had gedaan op de workshop.
Kom zei je, kom op, ga staan, stamp met je voeten, kom weer tot leven.
Maar ik kon alleen maar huilen.
Dus trok je me overeind, zette mijn voeten op de jouwe en stampte, en stampte.
Liet me voelen dat ik leefde.
En met dat gebaar brak ik. Brak een dam van tranen open. Zoveel jaren opgespaard.
Ondanks al je onmacht en misschien zelfs ook wel onbegrip, liet je me niet alleen.
Sloeg je elke keer weer je armen om me heen als ik in "bolletjes-modus" ging.
Probeerde je me elke keer weer te laten lachen, bracht je me elke keer weer terug.
Hoe ver weg ik ook was, hoe boos of onbereikbaar, je was niet bang, en bleef zoeken tot je me vond.
En bracht me terug, al was het soms alsof je een spartelende kleuter uit de speeltuin mee moest slepen. Het maakte je niet uit, je deed het gewoon.
En nu ben ik hier.
Heb ik er voor gekozen in het licht te blijven staan.
Probeer ik te ontdekken hoe ik weer beter kan worden om dan weer te kunnen vliegen.
En jij staat op de zijlijn te roepen, kom op, je kan het!
Geen emotie ontgaat je, zelfs al ben je honderden kilometers ver weg.
Dat het je frustreert begrijp ik wel. En ik begrijp ook wel als je soms even op adem moet komen.
Je kreeg niet het makkelijkste vogeltje mee op je arm.
Eerder het meest schuwe en zeldzame.
En daardoor voor jou ook de mooiste....
zondag 21 oktober 2012
maandag 1 oktober 2012
Broken
Gebroken, vertrapt, gemangeld. Pijn, verdriet en duisternis.
Een trip in 2 uurtjes door mijn verleden.
Elke pijn aanraken, voor een klein moment, een moment zo klein, maar genoeg om zoveel pijn te doen.
Genoeg om alleen nog maar te kunnen huilen.
Genoeg om me weer zo klein te voelen, zo vertrapt en zo alleen.
En alleen maar omdat ze me willen helpen beter te worden.
Me weer veiligheid en vertrouwen willen geven.
Maar voor nu voel ik me alles behalve veilig.
En heb ik alles behalve vertrouwen.
Alleen maar pijn, flashbacks, herinneringen die zo lang zo diep opgesloten hebben gezeten die nu vrijgelaten zijn.
Ik voel me zo rot, zo in het niets.
En dan na al die ellende vanmiddag nog 5 tumortjes van mijn hoofd laten halen. Weer pijn, lichamelijk weleens waar, maar eigenlijk te veel.
Morgen ziet er hopelijk beter uit...
Een trip in 2 uurtjes door mijn verleden.
Elke pijn aanraken, voor een klein moment, een moment zo klein, maar genoeg om zoveel pijn te doen.
Genoeg om alleen nog maar te kunnen huilen.
Genoeg om me weer zo klein te voelen, zo vertrapt en zo alleen.
En alleen maar omdat ze me willen helpen beter te worden.
Me weer veiligheid en vertrouwen willen geven.
Maar voor nu voel ik me alles behalve veilig.
En heb ik alles behalve vertrouwen.
Alleen maar pijn, flashbacks, herinneringen die zo lang zo diep opgesloten hebben gezeten die nu vrijgelaten zijn.
Ik voel me zo rot, zo in het niets.
En dan na al die ellende vanmiddag nog 5 tumortjes van mijn hoofd laten halen. Weer pijn, lichamelijk weleens waar, maar eigenlijk te veel.
Morgen ziet er hopelijk beter uit...
dinsdag 25 september 2012
Doorgaan
Gisteren de beslissing gemaakt om me ziek te melden op mijn werk. Dat betekende deze ochtend geen marteling van pijn en stress. Het was vreemd om op de bank te zitten en te kunnen genieten van de rust toen mijn dochtertje sliep. Dat rust moment ben ik immers kwijt als ik werk en dan kom ik thuis in drukte en dat blijft tot alles op bed ligt. Maar vandaag was het rustig. Ik kon de halve dag lezen en daarmee dus ook mijn gedachten wat leger maken. Ik kon mezelf weer een beetje voelen.
Ik speelde nog fijn met de geleende versapers, en creëerde de meest vreemd uitziende sapjes, wat ik geweldig vind. Ik kon weer voelen wat ik graag wilde doen, stond weer in contact met mijn visioenen en de wezens om me heen. En dan zijn dan voor mij van die echte geluksmomentjes.
Net als dat ik vanmorgen zo lekker kon knuffelen met mijn dochter op bed. Of vanavond een tekening maakte met mijn zoon met herfstblaadjes en we dan zo lekker kunnen keuvelen saampjes en met niks tevreden kunnen zijn.
Of zoals nu dat mijn 2 hondenmeisjes tegen me aan liggen in hun (door mij gemaakte) pyjamaatjes en me zo lekker warm houden. Want ik heb het zoooo koud al dagen.
Dus ik ben blij dat die momenten er ook zijn.
Morgen wil ik de groep vlaamse gaaien gaan fotograferen die me elke ochtend zo mooi wakker komen schreeuwen. En ook zal ik de vleugels die ik heb liggen moeten omtoveren tot prachtige smudgewaaiers, omdat ik over anderhalve week weer voor het eerst op een beurs zal staan.
Dus ondanks alles, probeer ik wel vooruit te blijven lopen. Met kleine stapjes en soms compleet blind. Maar ik blijf doorgaan. Ik tel stiekem of tot de 10de, de eerste cursusdag. Om te kunnen genieten van dat gevoel wat ik had 2 weken geleden.
En denk even niet aan operaties en enge gesprekken.
Ik speelde nog fijn met de geleende versapers, en creëerde de meest vreemd uitziende sapjes, wat ik geweldig vind. Ik kon weer voelen wat ik graag wilde doen, stond weer in contact met mijn visioenen en de wezens om me heen. En dan zijn dan voor mij van die echte geluksmomentjes.
Net als dat ik vanmorgen zo lekker kon knuffelen met mijn dochter op bed. Of vanavond een tekening maakte met mijn zoon met herfstblaadjes en we dan zo lekker kunnen keuvelen saampjes en met niks tevreden kunnen zijn.
Of zoals nu dat mijn 2 hondenmeisjes tegen me aan liggen in hun (door mij gemaakte) pyjamaatjes en me zo lekker warm houden. Want ik heb het zoooo koud al dagen.
Dus ik ben blij dat die momenten er ook zijn.
Morgen wil ik de groep vlaamse gaaien gaan fotograferen die me elke ochtend zo mooi wakker komen schreeuwen. En ook zal ik de vleugels die ik heb liggen moeten omtoveren tot prachtige smudgewaaiers, omdat ik over anderhalve week weer voor het eerst op een beurs zal staan.
Dus ondanks alles, probeer ik wel vooruit te blijven lopen. Met kleine stapjes en soms compleet blind. Maar ik blijf doorgaan. Ik tel stiekem of tot de 10de, de eerste cursusdag. Om te kunnen genieten van dat gevoel wat ik had 2 weken geleden.
En denk even niet aan operaties en enge gesprekken.
maandag 24 september 2012
Me realiseren dat ik ziek ben.
Ik ben op. Je hebt momenten dat je denkt, ik ben op en toch blijk je dan toch dat stukje verder te kunnen, en weer een stukje en weer een stukje. Maar nu mijn lichaam aan alle kanten tegen sputtert realiseer ik me dat er niet meer soorten op bestaan, behalve doodgaan of in een hoekje gaan liggen ergens wachten op dood gaan. Althans dat stel ik me zo voor.
Vandaag kreeg ik de uitslag van mijn tumortjes terug, goedaardig, maar we halen de andere 4 toch ook maar weg. Better safe dan sorry nietwaar?
Maar ja, inmiddels zijn mijn knieën op, mijn rug doet verrot veel pijn, mijn lichaam is overal blauw, ik heb erge buikpijnen en hoofdpijn meldt zich inmiddels ook als vaste klant.
Stap 1 is om nu zo gezond mogelijk te eten. De meeste gruwelijk uitziende groene vers geperste sapjes heb ik al naar binnen gewerkt vandaag. Geen suiker meer, geen gist, geen gluten. Dus stond ik vanmiddag zelf kokostruffels te maken, zodat mijn arme "mind" ook nog wat gezond troostvoer heeft op de rot momenten.
Maar ja daarmee ben ik niet meteen geholpen en met alle stress en bijbehorende angst (dank je wel stoornis) en maandag weer een operatie-tje zegt alles in mij stop, klaar, remmen.
En al veel te lang luister ik niet naar het remmen stemmetje.. Nu dus wel.
Dus ziek gemeld. Even geen stress, geen zwaar werk, geen knieën die stormen moet trotseren en een rug die het allemaal moet dragen. Maar eigenlijk een soort strenge rust, om de pijn over te laten gaan. Om de achtbaan hopelijk even een beetje minder snel te laten gaan.
Om even op te warmen, om mijn lijf tijd te gunnen te herstellen, want het was te veel van het goede.
Want inmiddels op de planning:
diagnose gesprek van 3 uur
vervolggesprek van 1 uur
4 dingies op mijn hoofd laten verwijderen
urgentie afwachten en bij goedkeuring huis regelen.
verhuizen
een beursje draaien
plannen maken met Y om weer workshops te kunnen draaien
en zelf een opleiding willen doen om zo een droom baan te krijgen
middelen regelen om te zorgen dat ik überhaupt die opleiding kan doen
Ik denk dat een gezond mens al gek zou worden hiervan....
Maar vanmiddag toen ik vriendin N sprak, en zei tegen me zei, meid je mag om hulp vragen want ook al zie je er aan de buitenkant niks van, je bent wel ziek.
En misschien wil er nog niet aan. Dat ziek zijn.
Ik kan heel goed overschreeuwen. Maar dit schreeuwt harder.
En ik werk er hard aan, maar het is soms wel heel, héél erg moeilijk.
En eenzaam.
Ik probeer me te blijven richten op mijn dromen. Maar ja dat stomme ziek zijn maakt me daar ook weer bang voor.
Ik probeer me vast te houden aan mijn lief. Maar voor hem is het ook niet makkelijk.
Dus mijn grootste rotsen in de branding zijn mijn kinderen. Want zij zijn gewoon hunzelf. En vinden mama gewoon de allerliefste leukste mama op de wereld. Ook als de achtbaan naar beneden gaat. Hun zijn dat de rem, mijn punt van bewustzijn. De reden om niet door te draaien en te blijven doorgaan, om sterk te zijn.
Hun liefde is als een valnet, een deken..ook al weten ze dat niet. En dat hoeft ook niet. Want ik ben hun deken, hun valnet en dat weten hun maar al te goed en zo hoort het ook. Maar ik ben blij dat ze er zijn.
Maar ja misschien word het allemaal makkelijker als ik officieel ziek ben. Dat er wat meer begrip komt en wegen om te bewandelen.
Want ik wil niet ziek zijn. Ik wil me niet zo voelen. Ik wil niet dat alles pijn doet, ik wil dat lijf niet haten. Maar feit blijft dat het wel allemaal zo is, dat het ziek is, pijn doet en zo voelt. En dat ik soms echt mijn lijf daar om haat. Ik wil geen stomme tumortjes op mijn hoofd en die stomme tumor in mijn hoofd wil ik ook helemaal niet. En die rare bult op mijn pols die moet ook weg.
Alles moet schoon, weg, klaar, beter worden.
Ik wil vooruit.
Ik wil dansen, zingen, springen, gek doen, verliefd zijn, het mooie weer zien van alles.
Dat donker ken ik nu wel.
Mag ik gewoon in het licht zijn en genieten van de warmte? De kilte en de pijn heeft mijn hart al lang genoeg vast gehouden.
Maar ja ontdooien gaat blijkbaar niet zo snel als je bang bent voor het licht....
zondag 23 september 2012
Making it harder
Fighting depression is hard. But having a candida infection along with that is even harder. Because no sugar, no yeast, no milkproducts and in my case no glutes....
And what do most people do when the feel down...(just like me) they eat sweet, fa, cream stuff. And living under somebody's else his roof, paying my food, I got no further than staying vegetarian. But eating really healthy was no option any more and before I knew I was eating bad stuff over and over again. And got addicted to sugar big time also.
But fighting against my depressions, made me eat loads of bad stuff and making my body sicker and sicker. And now I come to the point that my body can not take an more and I feel 24/7 tired and completly broken. So this weekend I stopped all the bad stuff because I need to get better, not only in my head, but also my body. So up we go, wat healthy, and no bad stuff.
Friends borrowed me their slowjuicer, so I can drink a lot of green smoothies the coming weeks, to help me clean my body.
It wil be a hell of a fight, but I need to fight it if I want to live my life the way I want it.
But luckely for me I have experience with eating healthy, so I had a good reason to make healthy, yummy stuff. So the freezer holds now 4 raw mango "cheesecakes" :-)
Because I can not live without some sweet stuff every now and than.
And 10 october I will be having my first Shaman voice class! I can't wait! :-)
And what do most people do when the feel down...(just like me) they eat sweet, fa, cream stuff. And living under somebody's else his roof, paying my food, I got no further than staying vegetarian. But eating really healthy was no option any more and before I knew I was eating bad stuff over and over again. And got addicted to sugar big time also.
But fighting against my depressions, made me eat loads of bad stuff and making my body sicker and sicker. And now I come to the point that my body can not take an more and I feel 24/7 tired and completly broken. So this weekend I stopped all the bad stuff because I need to get better, not only in my head, but also my body. So up we go, wat healthy, and no bad stuff.
Friends borrowed me their slowjuicer, so I can drink a lot of green smoothies the coming weeks, to help me clean my body.
It wil be a hell of a fight, but I need to fight it if I want to live my life the way I want it.
But luckely for me I have experience with eating healthy, so I had a good reason to make healthy, yummy stuff. So the freezer holds now 4 raw mango "cheesecakes" :-)
Because I can not live without some sweet stuff every now and than.
And 10 october I will be having my first Shaman voice class! I can't wait! :-)
donderdag 20 september 2012
Why can the downs be so deep?
Why all out of nothing I can feel so down and why it seems so deep everytime. I don't feel well at all. I feel angry, not understanding anything of the society we live in. It frustrates me. Today had to make the phonecalls myself to get an appoitment for treatment... the first one will be three hours..sigh...
Oh how I hate this feeling, feeling like a little bird, completly helpless, useless and so on :(
And the worst of all, I can do nothing about it.
Oh how I hate this feeling, feeling like a little bird, completly helpless, useless and so on :(
And the worst of all, I can do nothing about it.
vrijdag 14 september 2012
Shaman voice workshop
For me going to a workshop, and participate mostly turns out in disappointment. So I stopped a long time ago doing this. But this year I tried again, trying a clanmother yeartraining and also this was nothing for me. So when my heart told me, do the shaman voice workshop, I felt a bit lost. Like uhuh and than you disappoint me again? I had a bit troubles with my own heart I guess.
But because it was the only little voice left that I could hear ánd the fact that 3 months ago I got a message that I should do something with my voice to heal myself and others. I deceided to go anyway and would just see what would happen.
And wow...just wow.... For the first time in months I felt calm, I stepped over my fears, there were NO thoughts in my head.... I was NOT afraid... I felt wonderful, strong, a Goddess. The Goddess that I am.
I was such a wonderful experience to feel me again, me the way that I truly am.
I danced, I danced Haka, and I sang... I sang the song of my soul. And believe me when you do that with others, you become one, the song becomes one.
I am so happy and grateful for this. And most of it, I will continue to do so. I want to do the beginners training and next year the year training, because this awakend something in me, I can do this, I want this, I felt whole, connected, one, me...
And most of all I was not afraid to surrender.
I am grateful from deep within.
But because it was the only little voice left that I could hear ánd the fact that 3 months ago I got a message that I should do something with my voice to heal myself and others. I deceided to go anyway and would just see what would happen.
And wow...just wow.... For the first time in months I felt calm, I stepped over my fears, there were NO thoughts in my head.... I was NOT afraid... I felt wonderful, strong, a Goddess. The Goddess that I am.
I was such a wonderful experience to feel me again, me the way that I truly am.
I danced, I danced Haka, and I sang... I sang the song of my soul. And believe me when you do that with others, you become one, the song becomes one.
I am so happy and grateful for this. And most of it, I will continue to do so. I want to do the beginners training and next year the year training, because this awakend something in me, I can do this, I want this, I felt whole, connected, one, me...
And most of all I was not afraid to surrender.
I am grateful from deep within.
dinsdag 11 september 2012
Lost in this world
In een eindeloos van ritme van gaan en komen, geluk en verdriet, begrip en onbegrip, probeer ik nog steeds mijn weg te vinden. Ik voel me alleen zo moe. Zo moe van alles regelen, van alles achterna zitten, van elke keer weer moeten. Van elke keer weer mezelf moeten proberen te vinden als ik ondergesneeuwd ben door de dingen van het dagelijkse leven.
Van elke keer volhouden die vonk te kunnen zien diep van binnen. Te blijven geloven dat deze er echt is en mij de weg zal wijzen.
Vol te kunnen blijven houden om het lied van mijn eigen hart te kunnen blijven horen.
Maar de melodie lijkt soms zo kwijt en ik voel me dan zo verloren en reddeloos alleen.
Alsof niks het meer waard is om dan voor door te kunnen gaan.
Vertrouwen te blijven hebben on iets wat je niet kan zien.
Dankbaar zijn voor de lichtjes die er wel zijn.
Maar soms zo moe zijn van al het commentaar van mensen die het wel beter denken te weten, maar geen idee hebben hoe je je voelt.
Dat moe zijn van mijn leven niet betekend dat ik moe ben van mijn kinderen. Of als ik zeg niet meer te geloven in liefde dat dat niet betekend dat ik niet kan liefhebben of liefde kan ontvangen...
Het betekend dat ik moe ben en het soms zo gruwelijk zat allemaal. Dat ik wel eens zou willen dat het allemaal wat gemakkelijker was. Dat ik de rem kon vinden van het achtbaankarretje. Dat ik eens zou willen uit zuchten in plaats van mijn adem in te houden.
Om eens een keertje niet bang te hoeven zijn.
Om gewoon eens mij te kunnen zijn en gewaardeerd te worden omdat ik, ik ben.
Om me weer eens over te durven geven aan de stroom van het vliegen in plaats van me vleugellam te voelen.
Ik wil duiken in een zee die me niet verdrinkt. Ik wil omhuld worden in een deken van regenbogen en liefdevolle zachtheid.
Maar alles lijkt zo ver te zijn. En zo verschrikkelijk gecompliceerd.
Ik heb zoveel tranen die hun weg naar buiten maar kunnen vinden.
Ik probeer zo goed te luisteren en met kleine stapjes te dansen. Maar ik lijk verloren in een menigte, overspoeld door een soort grote wanhoop waardoor ik me afvraag soms, hoor ik wel hier?
maandag 10 september 2012
Key to my soul
Things never happen without a reason, at least that is what I like to believe. No matter how down I am, or how dark my life seems to be, music is always my savior. Like a light shining in the night.
I don't even need to hear it, I can hear it in my soul, in the whispers of the wind or simply just in the energy of living things.
It makes sure I can dance my dance of life.
For my birthday I got a beautiful flute and I love to play it. But with my depresions I forget myself a lot. But I know it is time to kick my own ass and use the key of soul, music!
So I took the flute from the closet and played. And it felt wonderful.
I seem to forget the good things a lot :(
Or at least the things that are for me or make me happy.
In a reading some time ago they said I could heal with my voice and should make music. Play the music of my soul.
Of course I did not pay much attention to what they said and just continued my life.
But this week I got an invatation for a workshop shamanic voice healing and after already getting mail from this man for many years, I deceided it was time to it. Because what can heal me more than something I really love? It's like healing myself with love and I guess there is not better thing than that.
So in the meanwhile I play my flute, enjoy play my singing bowl and really need to start dancing with my drum again. Because I truly start to believe that music can be the key to healing my soul.
My own music, my own dance :-)
I don't even need to hear it, I can hear it in my soul, in the whispers of the wind or simply just in the energy of living things.
It makes sure I can dance my dance of life.
For my birthday I got a beautiful flute and I love to play it. But with my depresions I forget myself a lot. But I know it is time to kick my own ass and use the key of soul, music!
So I took the flute from the closet and played. And it felt wonderful.
I seem to forget the good things a lot :(
Or at least the things that are for me or make me happy.
In a reading some time ago they said I could heal with my voice and should make music. Play the music of my soul.
Of course I did not pay much attention to what they said and just continued my life.
But this week I got an invatation for a workshop shamanic voice healing and after already getting mail from this man for many years, I deceided it was time to it. Because what can heal me more than something I really love? It's like healing myself with love and I guess there is not better thing than that.
So in the meanwhile I play my flute, enjoy play my singing bowl and really need to start dancing with my drum again. Because I truly start to believe that music can be the key to healing my soul.
My own music, my own dance :-)
My pretty flute :-)
zondag 9 september 2012
And so it is
Everything goes in ups and downs. I try to make the best of it. The strange thing is, now that I know I am bi polaire I regonize more and more, my moods going down. The frustrating is that I can do nothing about it and I can not pull the brake (yet).
Luckely I had a good weekend. I've been outside a lot, eat a lot of healthy and yummy things, had a lot of good talks, meet interesting people, got motivating ideas and nice invitations. So good things to think about.
I am happy to boyfriend starts to understand that I am sick. That I can not do anything about my moods and that I am not like that on purpose. He takes the time for me. I can now say I feel bad, or I feel my mood going down and I am so grateful and happy he can handle me in those moments. Because he doesn't put me down. He puts a arm around me, talks to me and tries to make my laugh. Eventhough he knows that does not always work.
He keeps on eye on me and takes care of me even when I can be a little bitch. So I feel blessed with this love.
Tomorrow work will start again and all the other things of every day life. Not my favourite things, but I know there is a wind of change in the air so I just take life as it comes, day by day. Like that I can handle it more and my mind stays more calm.
Hopefully this week I get my appointment for therapy so when can go some steps further again.
We'll just keep on waiting.
But for now hot tea, lots of hugs and than some good sleep :-)
Luckely I had a good weekend. I've been outside a lot, eat a lot of healthy and yummy things, had a lot of good talks, meet interesting people, got motivating ideas and nice invitations. So good things to think about.
I am happy to boyfriend starts to understand that I am sick. That I can not do anything about my moods and that I am not like that on purpose. He takes the time for me. I can now say I feel bad, or I feel my mood going down and I am so grateful and happy he can handle me in those moments. Because he doesn't put me down. He puts a arm around me, talks to me and tries to make my laugh. Eventhough he knows that does not always work.
He keeps on eye on me and takes care of me even when I can be a little bitch. So I feel blessed with this love.
Tomorrow work will start again and all the other things of every day life. Not my favourite things, but I know there is a wind of change in the air so I just take life as it comes, day by day. Like that I can handle it more and my mind stays more calm.
Hopefully this week I get my appointment for therapy so when can go some steps further again.
We'll just keep on waiting.
But for now hot tea, lots of hugs and than some good sleep :-)
woensdag 5 september 2012
Survial part 2
Last night I felt so damn empty.... the house was silent and I felt really a bit lost. When boyfriend came online I tried really hard not to be pissed or angry, and eventhough I did not say anything bad, my mind was trying hard not to spit out wat I felt.
Because I felt alone, afraid and forsaken.
When I went to bed after walking the dogs, my little girl woke up. I took her with me and finally after two hours I fell a sleep. And only slept for a short while because little girl woke up again and again.
So for now I already feel completly dead.
But the dogs took their morning walk, little girl her breakfast and now I feel like, now what?
A lot of stupid things to do that have to be my life from now on.... goodie....
Because I felt alone, afraid and forsaken.
When I went to bed after walking the dogs, my little girl woke up. I took her with me and finally after two hours I fell a sleep. And only slept for a short while because little girl woke up again and again.
So for now I already feel completly dead.
But the dogs took their morning walk, little girl her breakfast and now I feel like, now what?
A lot of stupid things to do that have to be my life from now on.... goodie....
Ultimate survival
He is gone. For a month or so. And I am alone.
And I feel complete panic. I finally know that I am sick, I am trying to find my way with that, find it hard to accept, I must search for a new house and so much more and than like lighting crashes he is gone.
Today is my first day, I try to see it as a test, how good I will handle and if it is possible not to lose my mind.
So how did this day so far. The morning was okay, boyfriend was still home, we had breakfast, he walked the dogs and I brought my son to school.
Once back he started to pack his bag. I hated it. Because putting everything in there for me was torture, knowing he would be really going for so long.
I try to understand why faith makes me suffer, but I can find no reason.
He got me some money so I could eat, I walked the dogs and than woke up my daughter so she and me could go pick up her brother from school.
En this moment was also the terrible moment of goodbye. I just stand there like stone, afraid if I would say something, or show any emotions I would burst out in tears. So I swallowed my tears and walked away with my little girl in the buggy. Trying not to look back.
And so I went to school, my mind completly in shock, making over hours how the hell I would ever manage this. And after 20 minutes or so, I just turned numb.
I picked up my son and we took quite a long trip through the city. I bought the kids a donut, looked around here and there and went home.
Once home me and my son painted a robot while the little girl was eating grapes in her chair.
I wonder around the house and my heart feels empty. I already miss him.
I guess it is time to cook. This night I will pick up a car for behind my bike. So it will be more easy to take this kids everywhere with me. (I hope)
And than it will be silent here.....
And I feel complete panic. I finally know that I am sick, I am trying to find my way with that, find it hard to accept, I must search for a new house and so much more and than like lighting crashes he is gone.
Today is my first day, I try to see it as a test, how good I will handle and if it is possible not to lose my mind.
So how did this day so far. The morning was okay, boyfriend was still home, we had breakfast, he walked the dogs and I brought my son to school.
Once back he started to pack his bag. I hated it. Because putting everything in there for me was torture, knowing he would be really going for so long.
I try to understand why faith makes me suffer, but I can find no reason.
He got me some money so I could eat, I walked the dogs and than woke up my daughter so she and me could go pick up her brother from school.
En this moment was also the terrible moment of goodbye. I just stand there like stone, afraid if I would say something, or show any emotions I would burst out in tears. So I swallowed my tears and walked away with my little girl in the buggy. Trying not to look back.
And so I went to school, my mind completly in shock, making over hours how the hell I would ever manage this. And after 20 minutes or so, I just turned numb.
I picked up my son and we took quite a long trip through the city. I bought the kids a donut, looked around here and there and went home.
Once home me and my son painted a robot while the little girl was eating grapes in her chair.
I wonder around the house and my heart feels empty. I already miss him.
I guess it is time to cook. This night I will pick up a car for behind my bike. So it will be more easy to take this kids everywhere with me. (I hope)
And than it will be silent here.....
maandag 3 september 2012
Listening
Listening to the dark voice inside. Telling me I am not good enough and never will be. I can only make people unhappy. People only get unhappy when they are with me. I am not a person to love apparantly. People always need to run away from me. I am too much. Too much trouble, too much problems, too many children. My love is killing, never enough.
My body repulsive, ugly, I am not able to take care of it, use it in the good way.
Everything I do, I do wrong.
I am nothing, born out of fighting couple, born in a world gone cold.
So cold, so dark.
I live to survive, one day at the time, hoping it will end one day...
My body repulsive, ugly, I am not able to take care of it, use it in the good way.
Everything I do, I do wrong.
I am nothing, born out of fighting couple, born in a world gone cold.
So cold, so dark.
I live to survive, one day at the time, hoping it will end one day...
Sometimes
Sometimes I hear your voice. Hear the sweet things you say to me.
I wonder if it is real, if all will come true what you tell me.
I hope...
Because sometimes I feel I can not take anymore.
I wonder if it is real, if all will come true what you tell me.
I hope...
Because sometimes I feel I can not take anymore.
zaterdag 1 september 2012
Taking care of myself
The first step was going to the doctor. I know now for sure I am bi polair with an anxiety disorder. Step 2 will be waiting for a letter to get an appointment for a therapist. And further more take good care of myself. For me this means eat healthy and sport. Two things that are at the moment very difficult for me. In the future I will proberly get cognitive therapy and maybe medication.
I so wish I could get therapy with horses again, but I can not afford it :( I feel really bad about that because untill now that works the very best for me.
I also hope I can find some good body awareness training.
Further more my boyfriend works with me with breathing exercise and energy healing and that brings a bit calm.
So a lot of tools, but still not really handles to grab and work with, what makes the rollercoaster still going up and down again and again and very very fast.
I think I will attack a kiwi...that's healthy....
I so wish I could get therapy with horses again, but I can not afford it :( I feel really bad about that because untill now that works the very best for me.
I also hope I can find some good body awareness training.
Further more my boyfriend works with me with breathing exercise and energy healing and that brings a bit calm.
So a lot of tools, but still not really handles to grab and work with, what makes the rollercoaster still going up and down again and again and very very fast.
I think I will attack a kiwi...that's healthy....
Within Temptation - All I Need
I'm dying to catch my breath
Oh why don't I ever learn?
I've lost all my trust,
though I've surely tried to turn it around
Can you still see the heart of me?
All my agony fades away
when you hold me in your embrace
Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe
Don't tear me down
You've opened the door now, don't let it close
I'm here on the edge again
I wish I could let it go
I know that I'm only one step away
from turning it around
Can you still see the heart of me?
All my agony fades away
when you hold me in your embrace
Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe
Don't tear it down, what's left of me
Make my heart a better place
I tried many times but nothing was real
Make it fade away, don't break me down
I want to believe that this is for real
Save me from my fear
Don't tear me down
Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe
Don't tear it down, what's left of me
Make my heart a better place
Make my heart a better place...........
vrijdag 31 augustus 2012
Running and healing
Two times this week boyfriend gave me a sort of energetic healing. The first time, was a bit funny, my mind always goed everywhere so I asked, please talk to me, so my mind keeps in the same place. I fell a sleep :D I never slept so good since a long time. And the funny part all I heard him say was: Do you sleep and I know I said, no....hehehe
The second time was less fun, it was painfull, and I was happy it was over. But I know it was for letting things out. Still it is hard for me to say stop because I want to be strong.
Today was a terrible day. I have seen all of my city, because of school, work, babysitter, home, school and so on. I worked very hard and tried so hard not to loose my mind. Several times I asked myself, why am I doing this, why am I in this tredmill? Because apparantly I need to fit in now, not having a choice. Yes I have a choice, but the law and some people would not agree (such a shame though...)
Tonight I would go to the station to pick up 2 of my kids, but the trains didn't go. No solution to get them here and no I feel sooooo bad.
Because I know what my ex will say to my children and that makes me feel really bad.
And nevertheless I try so hard not to feel bad it doesn't work. I could not even allow myself to cry.
And no I sit on the couch, alone, afraid because I have to walk the dogs alone in the dark, and I am afraid of the dark. I have to sleep in an empty house, wich I am afraid of too, and I have to fight the demons in my head wich I have proven of lately that it does not go so well right now.
So even how hard I would try, I know I will have a very bad night and knowing I will see my ex tomorrow morning will not make it any better.
I try really hard not to think bad of myself right now, but it feels like my inner voice, my inner calm is letting me down...
Up we go, surviving this evening and night.....
The second time was less fun, it was painfull, and I was happy it was over. But I know it was for letting things out. Still it is hard for me to say stop because I want to be strong.
Today was a terrible day. I have seen all of my city, because of school, work, babysitter, home, school and so on. I worked very hard and tried so hard not to loose my mind. Several times I asked myself, why am I doing this, why am I in this tredmill? Because apparantly I need to fit in now, not having a choice. Yes I have a choice, but the law and some people would not agree (such a shame though...)
Tonight I would go to the station to pick up 2 of my kids, but the trains didn't go. No solution to get them here and no I feel sooooo bad.
Because I know what my ex will say to my children and that makes me feel really bad.
And nevertheless I try so hard not to feel bad it doesn't work. I could not even allow myself to cry.
And no I sit on the couch, alone, afraid because I have to walk the dogs alone in the dark, and I am afraid of the dark. I have to sleep in an empty house, wich I am afraid of too, and I have to fight the demons in my head wich I have proven of lately that it does not go so well right now.
So even how hard I would try, I know I will have a very bad night and knowing I will see my ex tomorrow morning will not make it any better.
I try really hard not to think bad of myself right now, but it feels like my inner voice, my inner calm is letting me down...
Up we go, surviving this evening and night.....
woensdag 29 augustus 2012
Wobbly Wednesday
Today was a busy day. I ran around a lot, did a lot, so I got less time to think. But oh my how tired I am. It is really amazing how easily my body gets tired by fysical work. I feel absolutly dead. But beside that I felt not so bad. I am a bit nervous for the talk with the doctor tomorrow, But I know I will not be alone. For me it is still very hard to accept that boyfriend really wants to suport me.
For me opening up my soul to him is more worse that running around naked outside...yes really, that bad it is.
I am afraid (stupid fear again) to get judged and misunderstood. He offered me to give me care every night, I agreed because I know it can be good for me, but to be honest, I really don't like it because I am afraid of what will happen.
It is a very big trust a need to have and also a lot of surrender. I feel stupid because I think I have no right to feel like that because boyfriend treats me really well.
It's just the damn fear and insecurity that is making me doubt everything and feel so insecure about everything. Not liking this feeling. I wish so badly for more peace inside of me, but for now the wind is still blowing really hard.
Emotions, feelings...all comes and goes. Really my children keep me sane.
Baking cookies, doing stuff together...just things that need no fear or thinking....
Hugs, kisses, smiles....yeah, my children rule :-) (and my boyfriend too!)
For me opening up my soul to him is more worse that running around naked outside...yes really, that bad it is.
I am afraid (stupid fear again) to get judged and misunderstood. He offered me to give me care every night, I agreed because I know it can be good for me, but to be honest, I really don't like it because I am afraid of what will happen.
It is a very big trust a need to have and also a lot of surrender. I feel stupid because I think I have no right to feel like that because boyfriend treats me really well.
It's just the damn fear and insecurity that is making me doubt everything and feel so insecure about everything. Not liking this feeling. I wish so badly for more peace inside of me, but for now the wind is still blowing really hard.
Emotions, feelings...all comes and goes. Really my children keep me sane.
Baking cookies, doing stuff together...just things that need no fear or thinking....
Hugs, kisses, smiles....yeah, my children rule :-) (and my boyfriend too!)
dinsdag 28 augustus 2012
The magical calm..
Something I miss, I realised today. The magical calm, the sort of inner peace that atracts children. All my children were always drawn to their father. And I see with my daughter now, she gets drawn to my boyfriend when I am stressed. I see now that I have always been like that, and I always thought that my children rejected me. That I just wasn't good enough. Today it became clear to me it had nothing to bo with being good enough, but with the huge chaos in my head that sends it vibes out....making me hard to understand or to reach in my energy, aspecially for my children.
And really I hate it. Because I don't know have I can change that. I try but it is very hard. First the storm in my head needs to lay down and than I have to start picking up the pieces and cleaning up the mess.
Little things like this, hit me really hard. Because somehow I did not see this before and it gave me pain for me many years. Than I can feel so sad that I am like this with out knowing it sometimes. I can hate my parents for hating me, don't wanting me, and hate the fact that mostly because of them I am like I am.
Because I don't want to be like that, like this.
So many parts of the puzzle seem to fall in place the last weeks. And of course that is good because now I can work with it, but I wonder why it hurts so bad... Why it can not just go away easily...
I feel like dirty water needed to get clear again. I can not see anything in the dark right now and take very little steps, but it is very scary.
I know I have to do it, I want to do it. Because I want to give my children the best of me, want to give myself the best of me. The storm needs to lay down, needs to shut up, and preferably right now....
But it doesn't work like that I am afraid...
I wonder how many people have so many fears like me...and how they overcome them or handle them. I guess just being strong and try to ignore them does not work anymore....
Little steps, little steps on my way to that magical calm...my inner peace...
And really I hate it. Because I don't know have I can change that. I try but it is very hard. First the storm in my head needs to lay down and than I have to start picking up the pieces and cleaning up the mess.
Little things like this, hit me really hard. Because somehow I did not see this before and it gave me pain for me many years. Than I can feel so sad that I am like this with out knowing it sometimes. I can hate my parents for hating me, don't wanting me, and hate the fact that mostly because of them I am like I am.
Because I don't want to be like that, like this.
So many parts of the puzzle seem to fall in place the last weeks. And of course that is good because now I can work with it, but I wonder why it hurts so bad... Why it can not just go away easily...
I feel like dirty water needed to get clear again. I can not see anything in the dark right now and take very little steps, but it is very scary.
I know I have to do it, I want to do it. Because I want to give my children the best of me, want to give myself the best of me. The storm needs to lay down, needs to shut up, and preferably right now....
But it doesn't work like that I am afraid...
I wonder how many people have so many fears like me...and how they overcome them or handle them. I guess just being strong and try to ignore them does not work anymore....
Little steps, little steps on my way to that magical calm...my inner peace...
maandag 27 augustus 2012
Unraveling the pain
I peeled of some layers again. Seeing more and more why I am the way I am, why I react the way I do. The whole blueprint of my life is based on rejection, fear,and lack of love.
I start to realise more and more that that blueprint makes who I am today and starting to understand why I have so much troubles with things.
I will try from now on to write every day a bit, mostly for myself to learn more about myself.
This week it was very clear to me that I really have an anxiety disorder. Everything in my life is based on fear and that controles me a lot. If I want to get myself back, and most of all, happy I must come to the point that I can break with my fears. And believe me those are a lot, and with a lot, I really mean a LOT.
Hopefully the doctor can mean something in that too, but for now I will also work really hard with myself and the things that I know and using that on myself to make my life a bit brighter and less full of all those fears.
An important thing in that is getting more self-confidence so I can handle the fears. Learn that I am good enough the way that I am.
I know that won't be easy, because most of my life people tell me I am not good enough, starting with my parents who both didn't even want me. I feels like breaking habbits.
And to speak with the words of my sons favourite song:
I am breaking the habit tonight!
(with tiny tiny steps)
I start to realise more and more that that blueprint makes who I am today and starting to understand why I have so much troubles with things.
I will try from now on to write every day a bit, mostly for myself to learn more about myself.
This week it was very clear to me that I really have an anxiety disorder. Everything in my life is based on fear and that controles me a lot. If I want to get myself back, and most of all, happy I must come to the point that I can break with my fears. And believe me those are a lot, and with a lot, I really mean a LOT.
Hopefully the doctor can mean something in that too, but for now I will also work really hard with myself and the things that I know and using that on myself to make my life a bit brighter and less full of all those fears.
An important thing in that is getting more self-confidence so I can handle the fears. Learn that I am good enough the way that I am.
I know that won't be easy, because most of my life people tell me I am not good enough, starting with my parents who both didn't even want me. I feels like breaking habbits.
And to speak with the words of my sons favourite song:
I am breaking the habit tonight!
(with tiny tiny steps)
zondag 26 augustus 2012
Trying to understand myself
Sometimes you run into something that changes everything. Like for me this week when I read somebody's blog and with a smile on my face thought, hey I could have written this, it was raw and with a lot of emotion going up and down. I was happy to know that there were more people like me.
But going through every post she wrote, I came out with one where she explains she has a disorder.... And everthing she says applied to me too....
So a bit shocked I closed my laptop and thought yeah just coincidence....
But it kept lingering in my mind, so after some days I started looking up meer information about it. And regonized more and more.
So I crabbed all my courage and called my doctor for an appointment to talk about it. Because if I would have this, it would make so incredibly much clear to me.
So now I wait untill it's thursday and hopefully something comes out of it.
I getting to know myself more and more.
But going through every post she wrote, I came out with one where she explains she has a disorder.... And everthing she says applied to me too....
So a bit shocked I closed my laptop and thought yeah just coincidence....
But it kept lingering in my mind, so after some days I started looking up meer information about it. And regonized more and more.
So I crabbed all my courage and called my doctor for an appointment to talk about it. Because if I would have this, it would make so incredibly much clear to me.
So now I wait untill it's thursday and hopefully something comes out of it.
I getting to know myself more and more.
zondag 19 augustus 2012
Little Fox with a big Dragon
There she sits, a little fox leans to a big dragon.
Big tears roll down her little fox face.
The dragon holds her big wing above her so she won't get wet by the rain.
Little raindrops fall in the lake before them and wrinkle the water.
Tell me your heart the dragon says.
Oh dragon she sniffs, I want to be loved.
To be loved for who I am.
I want to be somebody's moon and stars.
I always feel like I am not good enough.
Why can somebody not fall spontaniously in love with me?
Am I so strange or difficult?
The dragon sighs...
No little one you are not.
You are just a rare creature
Not everybody will see true you....
The little fox cried even louder.
I wish I could understand more why I am the way that I am..
You will, the dragon said, in time you will little one.
There are not many like you.
Still, the little fox snottered, I want to be loved for who I am.
I never knew it could all hurt so much, so deeply.
I feel like I can not trust my heart anymore, when normally she was my strongest thread in my life.
I am afraid, exhausted and I feel alone.
The dragon and the fox stayed a while like that together.
And after some time the little fox cried herself to sleep.
A man came, big strong, with the energy of the forest.
When the dragon saw him she gave him little smile and opened a bit her wing so he could see the little fox.
He gave the dragon a small nod of understanding and than softly picked up the little fox.
Holding her to his warm body, keeping his strong arm around her to keep her safe.
He brought her to a safe place, a place where he took her before.
He sang when worked with her energy, petted her softly and put some oil of lavender between her eyes and the oil of orange on her sleeps.
Rest he said, my little beautiful one, don't you know that you are precious to me, to her, to all?
You have something special, and a special task.
I love you, YOU, just for being you.
I love every part of you and I always will. Think of that when you are alone and feel weary.
The little fox slowly opened her eyes, her head against his strong chest. His arm protective around her. His eyes like the brighstest stars.
Her hand softly found her way to his hand.
And for one moment she was free to breath, to feel loved, like the woman that she is.
Big tears roll down her little fox face.
The dragon holds her big wing above her so she won't get wet by the rain.
Little raindrops fall in the lake before them and wrinkle the water.
Tell me your heart the dragon says.
Oh dragon she sniffs, I want to be loved.
To be loved for who I am.
I want to be somebody's moon and stars.
I always feel like I am not good enough.
Why can somebody not fall spontaniously in love with me?
Am I so strange or difficult?
The dragon sighs...
No little one you are not.
You are just a rare creature
Not everybody will see true you....
The little fox cried even louder.
I wish I could understand more why I am the way that I am..
You will, the dragon said, in time you will little one.
There are not many like you.
Still, the little fox snottered, I want to be loved for who I am.
I never knew it could all hurt so much, so deeply.
I feel like I can not trust my heart anymore, when normally she was my strongest thread in my life.
I am afraid, exhausted and I feel alone.
The dragon and the fox stayed a while like that together.
And after some time the little fox cried herself to sleep.
A man came, big strong, with the energy of the forest.
When the dragon saw him she gave him little smile and opened a bit her wing so he could see the little fox.
He gave the dragon a small nod of understanding and than softly picked up the little fox.
Holding her to his warm body, keeping his strong arm around her to keep her safe.
He brought her to a safe place, a place where he took her before.
He sang when worked with her energy, petted her softly and put some oil of lavender between her eyes and the oil of orange on her sleeps.
Rest he said, my little beautiful one, don't you know that you are precious to me, to her, to all?
You have something special, and a special task.
I love you, YOU, just for being you.
I love every part of you and I always will. Think of that when you are alone and feel weary.
The little fox slowly opened her eyes, her head against his strong chest. His arm protective around her. His eyes like the brighstest stars.
Her hand softly found her way to his hand.
And for one moment she was free to breath, to feel loved, like the woman that she is.
vrijdag 17 augustus 2012
Owner of a lonely heart
Fighting to be good enough, trying to believe that I am.
Knowing I am, but can not always admit it to myself.
Today I looked in the mirror. Two greengreyish eyes, wild red hair put up high for the heat, a bit colour on my face of the sun. Is that me?
I don't know sometimes anymore.
I think I am lost in myself so every now and than. doubting if I am good enough.
Thank Goddess I have my daughter, looking in her eyes makes me believe, make believe I am good enough.
She is my heart, she is the one who hold the broken pieces together.
Scattered in so many pieces...she holds every one of than.
I am so grateful for this little girl, this little shining light.
Both blessed in the love of her brothers, my sons.
The five of us are a team, unbreakable because of love.
They are all I have.
Knowing I am, but can not always admit it to myself.
Today I looked in the mirror. Two greengreyish eyes, wild red hair put up high for the heat, a bit colour on my face of the sun. Is that me?
I don't know sometimes anymore.
I think I am lost in myself so every now and than. doubting if I am good enough.
Thank Goddess I have my daughter, looking in her eyes makes me believe, make believe I am good enough.
She is my heart, she is the one who hold the broken pieces together.
Scattered in so many pieces...she holds every one of than.
I am so grateful for this little girl, this little shining light.
Both blessed in the love of her brothers, my sons.
The five of us are a team, unbreakable because of love.
They are all I have.
woensdag 1 augustus 2012
I Imagine
By this time there could have been an change you would have already born. 16th of August shoudl be my due date. No this day is coming closer I feel the pain of your loss more and more.
I see my little girl and see the pictures of his little boy. I wonder how you would have looked like. We both have strong genes as it seems.
I only have seen you like a little thingy on the sreen, so small, so tiny, moving around.
I wonder how you are doing, what you have become. For me you are a little star up in the sky, watching over us.
That idea keeps me strong and helps me to carry the pain.
I see my little girl and see the pictures of his little boy. I wonder how you would have looked like. We both have strong genes as it seems.
I only have seen you like a little thingy on the sreen, so small, so tiny, moving around.
I wonder how you are doing, what you have become. For me you are a little star up in the sky, watching over us.
That idea keeps me strong and helps me to carry the pain.
zaterdag 14 juli 2012
Sometimes it just hurts
After a really hard week I run into a piece of myself, a very very broken piece of me.
A little more than a week a go I became sick, first a nasty cold, turning into high fever with a lot of pain in my muscles. Problems at home did not make that any better and when there came more problems with the father of my two oldest children it became even worse. My spirit could not handle it anymore, so my body paid the price.
I feel sad, last thursday my second son became 11 years old, but I could not be there, no he's father thought it was even necesary to play a cruel joke on aswell me as his son that filled me heart with a lot of pain and put me really back in my fear.
And tomorrow my youngest son turns 6 and he will also be at his father. And I know he will have a wonderful day, but I feel like I do something wrong.
I was here alone trying to make the best of it, hanging up decorations, giving birthday presents, cooking something he liked. And even go with him to a kids indoor playground today. But this afternoon he did not feel well and now he has the same fever and muscle pain as me :( So giving him with his father was so hard for me. I know he will take really good care of him but I feel so powerless.
And than I just was listening some music online and ran into this song, heard it so many times but never saw this videoclip with it. The clip is from a movie called "de gelukkig huisvrouw" (the happy houswive) and is about post natal depression. And it touched me so much.
Because I had this three times. With my first son giving birth was very traumatic but I got through it, but I did it all alone, with no support from my boyfriend that time. The second time was so bad that even now I can not remember the first to years of my sons life and that makes me feel so terrible :( But even than I did it all alone. And eventhough my depression I still took care of my children the best that I could. And now it hurts me so bad that their father is acting like I never took care of them at all. And that hurts my soul so terribly. Because I ask myself, where were you when i was playing with them, feeding them, bading them, holding them, bring them to bed, playing outside with them etc etc. But he was never there, always sitting behind his stupid computer. This videoclip touched my inner pain, hidden for so long, so badly, that I cried for almost half an hour....
I am happy that I never had this with my daughter and that I at least got the change to experience being pregnant, giving birth, and the first period as something positive, something with love.
I will need some time to give this a place, because I never thought it was still something that hurted me so bad, but I got confronted with my loneliness so badly.....
I did it all alone....
A little more than a week a go I became sick, first a nasty cold, turning into high fever with a lot of pain in my muscles. Problems at home did not make that any better and when there came more problems with the father of my two oldest children it became even worse. My spirit could not handle it anymore, so my body paid the price.
I feel sad, last thursday my second son became 11 years old, but I could not be there, no he's father thought it was even necesary to play a cruel joke on aswell me as his son that filled me heart with a lot of pain and put me really back in my fear.
And tomorrow my youngest son turns 6 and he will also be at his father. And I know he will have a wonderful day, but I feel like I do something wrong.
I was here alone trying to make the best of it, hanging up decorations, giving birthday presents, cooking something he liked. And even go with him to a kids indoor playground today. But this afternoon he did not feel well and now he has the same fever and muscle pain as me :( So giving him with his father was so hard for me. I know he will take really good care of him but I feel so powerless.
And than I just was listening some music online and ran into this song, heard it so many times but never saw this videoclip with it. The clip is from a movie called "de gelukkig huisvrouw" (the happy houswive) and is about post natal depression. And it touched me so much.
Because I had this three times. With my first son giving birth was very traumatic but I got through it, but I did it all alone, with no support from my boyfriend that time. The second time was so bad that even now I can not remember the first to years of my sons life and that makes me feel so terrible :( But even than I did it all alone. And eventhough my depression I still took care of my children the best that I could. And now it hurts me so bad that their father is acting like I never took care of them at all. And that hurts my soul so terribly. Because I ask myself, where were you when i was playing with them, feeding them, bading them, holding them, bring them to bed, playing outside with them etc etc. But he was never there, always sitting behind his stupid computer. This videoclip touched my inner pain, hidden for so long, so badly, that I cried for almost half an hour....
I am happy that I never had this with my daughter and that I at least got the change to experience being pregnant, giving birth, and the first period as something positive, something with love.
I will need some time to give this a place, because I never thought it was still something that hurted me so bad, but I got confronted with my loneliness so badly.....
I did it all alone....
dinsdag 10 juli 2012
This is me
Here I am this is me, there is no one else I rather be
I step outside, cold drups of rain touch my skin.
I let them do so, and with each drup I feel more alive.
In connection with all that is.
It makes me feel alive.
The aliveness I need so much.
I give away to much from my heart again and again.
I care too much, but someone wise told me once, caring too much? I think it is called love.
So maybe there is such thing as loving too much?
I don't know.
I am me, I am complicated, well that is what people think of me.
I love simple things, can be happy with almost nothing.
As long my heart can give, can be filled, can be real, can be me.
But my lessons are hard.
Sometimes I think when are my lessons done,
because I can not take another one....
Is it strange that I want love?
Want the joy of sharing and togetherness in my heart?
Or am I just ment to be left outside alone?
But even alone, I can only be me.
Apparantly people see my little me as a rebelic, annoying person, who tells the truth and spitting out her heart.
But why would I change?
Why would I pretend to be something I am not?
The more everybody says no, the more I want yes.
The more I want to prove I can.
Even for myself.
What I proved to myself lately?
That I am real, that I can take care of myself, that I am pretty, that my children are my joy, that I need animals around me, that I am normal because I speak to the unseen, that I am good because I am me.
I am free, and because I am free, I am where I have to be.
In my heart, there where love is all.....
I step outside, cold drups of rain touch my skin.
I let them do so, and with each drup I feel more alive.
In connection with all that is.
It makes me feel alive.
The aliveness I need so much.
I give away to much from my heart again and again.
I care too much, but someone wise told me once, caring too much? I think it is called love.
So maybe there is such thing as loving too much?
I don't know.
I am me, I am complicated, well that is what people think of me.
I love simple things, can be happy with almost nothing.
As long my heart can give, can be filled, can be real, can be me.
But my lessons are hard.
Sometimes I think when are my lessons done,
because I can not take another one....
Is it strange that I want love?
Want the joy of sharing and togetherness in my heart?
Or am I just ment to be left outside alone?
But even alone, I can only be me.
Apparantly people see my little me as a rebelic, annoying person, who tells the truth and spitting out her heart.
But why would I change?
Why would I pretend to be something I am not?
The more everybody says no, the more I want yes.
The more I want to prove I can.
Even for myself.
What I proved to myself lately?
That I am real, that I can take care of myself, that I am pretty, that my children are my joy, that I need animals around me, that I am normal because I speak to the unseen, that I am good because I am me.
I am free, and because I am free, I am where I have to be.
In my heart, there where love is all.....
dinsdag 8 mei 2012
Going through layers, getting back my soul
I finally have my own place back. After 7 months of having no home it feels really well to be back at my own place...well it feels strange, difficult. I am very happy to have a place for my own again, but when I got here, oh it hurted so bad. I could see how much pain that I had been through, how far my soul was gone.
I missed my dogs in the house, not to see their happy faces was also very hard. The first 3 days I could not do anything, I felt so numb. My boyfriend and my 2 of my best friends have been cleaning a lot. Everythime when I trief to do something I blocked, felt my pain, felt my grieve, felt the confrontation for the years of misery.
But I kept trying, with little things, making food, buying the things that we needed.
When the kitchen was cleaned I could paint a wall, and than a wall in the living room. This morning I already felt better, could feel more peace. But it goes with ups and downs.
Boyfriend just give me tasks to do everytime and that work really well for me, because I can not see through the layers where he can. So he helps me, helps me really good.
Bit by bit I am getting more pieces back of my soul.
I really need to stay in the here and the now. Taking baby steps.
But I will get there :-) With a little help :-)
I missed my dogs in the house, not to see their happy faces was also very hard. The first 3 days I could not do anything, I felt so numb. My boyfriend and my 2 of my best friends have been cleaning a lot. Everythime when I trief to do something I blocked, felt my pain, felt my grieve, felt the confrontation for the years of misery.
But I kept trying, with little things, making food, buying the things that we needed.
When the kitchen was cleaned I could paint a wall, and than a wall in the living room. This morning I already felt better, could feel more peace. But it goes with ups and downs.
Boyfriend just give me tasks to do everytime and that work really well for me, because I can not see through the layers where he can. So he helps me, helps me really good.
Bit by bit I am getting more pieces back of my soul.
I really need to stay in the here and the now. Taking baby steps.
But I will get there :-) With a little help :-)
donderdag 26 april 2012
Clanmother : Look far Woman
Looks Far Woman is the Mother of Visions, Dreams and Psychic Impressions, the Guardian of Dreamtime and the Keeper of Inner Potential. She teaches us how to understand our visions, dreams, feelings and impressions, how to enter Dreamtime, how to properly use our natural psychic abilities and gifts of prophecy for humanity, how to use spiritual boundaries, psychic self-defense, and how to respect those boundaries in others, and how to use our inner potential to become "healed healers".
I got to bed, tired, sad, I don't want to understand anything anymore.
I curl up and close my eyes. Immediately fox is there. I find myself at a big gate, a sort of portal. It looks likes there is only universe, I see the moon, stars, colours, rainbows, it's a lot and I get down on my knees. I remember the story of the clanmother, the girl being raped by the hunters, brought to the clanmother by her brother.
I now I am there, at the portal of dreamtimes, raped, not physical, but my soul is raped. I feel broken, alone, wounded. Against my face the soft nose of fox. It is always him who is there, helping me and leading me.
I can feel my pain so clear, so intense, but still no tears come down from my eyes. Tears are the blood of the soul, tears are the pearls of the soul, tears are words that need to be written....
I heard it all....but I lay there just feeling that intense pain. Fox encourages me to come with him and slowly I stand up. He wants me to go through the gate, I just don't care anymore, I feel lost, alone, in pain. So I follow without thoughts, my mind empty. And when I step through the gate I don't know anything anymore.
I wake up with only this as a memory. I think I am still there, that the story will continue. My soul is in the dreamtime, in the arms of Looks Far Woman.
Today I can not go to the training, I will have to face this clanmother alone. Maybe for a reason, I don't know.
I feel empty, my eyes look glazy, I can feel part of me is not here. But I trust fox to where he leads me, he will take care of my soul.
dinsdag 24 april 2012
She who is finding herself back
I left the farm were I was living. I am now at a friend waiting to get back to my house. Just two weeks to go. It has been very hard not having my own place for the last 7 months. But oh my Goddess what did I learn a lot. Now that I am here at my friend I feel like I can breathe again, slowly my mind gets more at ease. My body on the other hand is letting the stress out in a whole different way, with a whole lot of infections, like for instant my eyes... I look like dracula with my red eyes...and my candida is having big party's at the moment. But to help my body a bit I am eating very healthy and let go of all sugar and yeast. Normally I rarely ate that, but at the farm I didn't had much choice and my body got really sick...so it is not very strange that it is all coing out at the moment. But I am taking good care of myself.
I feel blessed with the help of my friends although it still feels hard for me to accept it.
I notice that I grew a lot, I dare more, know myself better, no what I want and what I don't want. I can also notice I feel better because I started cleaning again. Maybe a strange example but believe me when you feel bad, you care less about cleaning and stuff. But now I feel that the little cleaning freak that lives within me is coming out again hihi.
More and more I find pieces of myself back again. Some pieces lost long ago, some pieces not missing so long but deperatly needed to stay strong.
I found back the lover, the mother, the innocent me, feminine me, the playing me, my inner child, courageous me, sweet me, so many things I lost. So many things found back, so many things healed.
It doens't mean that everything is okay now, I still have a way to go. Much healing to do and some difficult things to find back. But I feel more strong, more complete, more confident in what is coming.
I learned that I am not alone I am surrounded in so many ways.
I feel blessed and know even more that love is all :-)
I feel blessed with the help of my friends although it still feels hard for me to accept it.
I notice that I grew a lot, I dare more, know myself better, no what I want and what I don't want. I can also notice I feel better because I started cleaning again. Maybe a strange example but believe me when you feel bad, you care less about cleaning and stuff. But now I feel that the little cleaning freak that lives within me is coming out again hihi.
More and more I find pieces of myself back again. Some pieces lost long ago, some pieces not missing so long but deperatly needed to stay strong.
I found back the lover, the mother, the innocent me, feminine me, the playing me, my inner child, courageous me, sweet me, so many things I lost. So many things found back, so many things healed.
It doens't mean that everything is okay now, I still have a way to go. Much healing to do and some difficult things to find back. But I feel more strong, more complete, more confident in what is coming.
I learned that I am not alone I am surrounded in so many ways.
I feel blessed and know even more that love is all :-)
zondag 15 april 2012
For just once
Run your fingers through my soul.
For once, just once,
feel exactly what I feel,
believe what I believe,
perceive as I perceive,
look, experience, examine,
and for once,
just once,
Understand
For once, just once,
feel exactly what I feel,
believe what I believe,
perceive as I perceive,
look, experience, examine,
and for once,
just once,
Understand
zaterdag 7 april 2012
Full moon meditation
It is around two in the morning when I got awakened by the light of the moon. I open the curtains and see her in the sky. I bath in her light and think about the the fact that we should all meditate this night. In the beginning of the night I had no time. My daughter would not sleep and when she finally fell a sleep, was gone too.
But I guess Mother Moon called me. So I sit on the bed of my son. And I look at all my children sleeping around me. Their faces like little angels. Their breathing calms me.
I look at the moon and think of the clanmother She who weighs the truth. I realise that the truth comes in many forms and is different to many people.
So when is something the truth and when a lie? And is not saying something a lie, or just not telling everything in the best interest of another person (or not in the best interest of course that is also a possibility)?
I think of the story of the clanmother, she had the difficult task to solve a problem between two women. Two women who both had their own truth.
I think of my marriage and my upcoming divorce. Both my husband an me saw things in different ways. He was happy and I was not. He thought he gave me all the love in the world and I thought I did not get love at all. Both have a different story, a different view...is that wrong I think? And why I think...
But I don't have the answers to that. I happened and we are separated right now. I have a new relation and he also has a new woman in his life. And also in this case we both see things different.
So again who deceides what is the truth? I think it is in the eye of the beholder. It depends on emotions, clearity and so much more I think.
But it is okay.
I let the moon full up my soul and look and my children, I learned that the small things in my life are my biggest treasures. That love is my biggest treasure, for me the truth, for another maybe not...
I realise I am a happy person even though all the problems in my life. I am connected again with the stream of life, the stream of counciousness.
I wave at the moon, like that I wave at my clansisters and my beloved.
I am happy with the truth and love in my heart.
But I guess Mother Moon called me. So I sit on the bed of my son. And I look at all my children sleeping around me. Their faces like little angels. Their breathing calms me.
I look at the moon and think of the clanmother She who weighs the truth. I realise that the truth comes in many forms and is different to many people.
So when is something the truth and when a lie? And is not saying something a lie, or just not telling everything in the best interest of another person (or not in the best interest of course that is also a possibility)?
I think of the story of the clanmother, she had the difficult task to solve a problem between two women. Two women who both had their own truth.
I think of my marriage and my upcoming divorce. Both my husband an me saw things in different ways. He was happy and I was not. He thought he gave me all the love in the world and I thought I did not get love at all. Both have a different story, a different view...is that wrong I think? And why I think...
But I don't have the answers to that. I happened and we are separated right now. I have a new relation and he also has a new woman in his life. And also in this case we both see things different.
So again who deceides what is the truth? I think it is in the eye of the beholder. It depends on emotions, clearity and so much more I think.
But it is okay.
I let the moon full up my soul and look and my children, I learned that the small things in my life are my biggest treasures. That love is my biggest treasure, for me the truth, for another maybe not...
I realise I am a happy person even though all the problems in my life. I am connected again with the stream of life, the stream of counciousness.
I wave at the moon, like that I wave at my clansisters and my beloved.
maandag 2 april 2012
Special moments
When I curl up in my bubble in the corner of the bed and you pull me from my corner close to you.
When I cross my arms over my body and lock myself off and you softly open my arms to hold me.
When I run outside in emotions and you cry because you can not find me.
When I say no and you see my yes.
When I cry in the shower and you feel me and come upstairs under de shower with your clothes on to hold me.
When I am sad and you make your "serious" face to make me laugh.
When you say you love my hair and in the same time fight with it.
When I dance to see you smiling and that you deceide to dance with me.
When I cook that you always love it and compliment me, so I want to make more for you.
That you always push me to be me.
That you never hold me down.
That you call me your little bird.
That you play with me like children would play.
That you can show me the stars.
That you encourage me to grow.
That you correct me with softness and teach me us instead of me.
That you show me the beauty of "us".
That when you look at me that I can not help but notice that you really stole my heart and make me realise I am whole again.
When I cross my arms over my body and lock myself off and you softly open my arms to hold me.
When I run outside in emotions and you cry because you can not find me.
When I say no and you see my yes.
When I cry in the shower and you feel me and come upstairs under de shower with your clothes on to hold me.
When I am sad and you make your "serious" face to make me laugh.
When you say you love my hair and in the same time fight with it.
When I dance to see you smiling and that you deceide to dance with me.
When I cook that you always love it and compliment me, so I want to make more for you.
That you always push me to be me.
That you never hold me down.
That you call me your little bird.
That you play with me like children would play.
That you can show me the stars.
That you encourage me to grow.
That you correct me with softness and teach me us instead of me.
That you show me the beauty of "us".
That when you look at me that I can not help but notice that you really stole my heart and make me realise I am whole again.
zondag 1 april 2012
Understanding lessons.
Last week was an intense week. The father of the friend were I am living was found uncounsious in his home. The way it is looking now it is most likely he will die. I have been to to lawyer to make arrangements for my divorce and today my boyfriend left to Belgium to get back at work in the army. Eventhough I like him a lot with his militairy look, i was not happy to see him go.
But it was also a week of understanding lessons. This week I found out why I am here. Why I did not go or could not go to other friends.
I have always been very insecure about being a mother, handling it all alone. And I had a strong desire to prove to everybody that I could do it alone.
I realised that coming here, and all the things happened make that I feel really secure right now about being a mother and about being alone and doing it myself.
Of course I got help, but still I took care of 6 children (some weekends 8) , 2 adult men, a bunch of animals and a farm. And I am pretty good at it. My confidence have grown so much that I have no worries of taking care of my children alone, or keeping a household by myself.
I have overcome a fear! And I am so proud of that!
It might have been (and still is) very hard, and there were certainly moments I thought of giving up. But I feel really strong right now! I am a good mother, and I can handle it all by myself :-)
I also learned to keep faith no matter what, the importance of friendship and most of all the importance of love.
I will see my boyfriend again in 12 days, a long time and I am already missing him and will even going to miss him more in the next days. But I know it is okay now, I am not afraid to lose him, not afraid I can not handle it, I know I can do it.
My future will be a beautiful one. Soon I can go back to my home in Leiden, and will have the change to find a new home. I secretly hope with a little garden. The children will be able to go see their father a lot. I can still reach my other children easily and things will calm down after a long time of big storms and thunderclouds. I am free and because of that I am exactly where I got to be.
But it was also a week of understanding lessons. This week I found out why I am here. Why I did not go or could not go to other friends.
I have always been very insecure about being a mother, handling it all alone. And I had a strong desire to prove to everybody that I could do it alone.
I realised that coming here, and all the things happened make that I feel really secure right now about being a mother and about being alone and doing it myself.
Of course I got help, but still I took care of 6 children (some weekends 8) , 2 adult men, a bunch of animals and a farm. And I am pretty good at it. My confidence have grown so much that I have no worries of taking care of my children alone, or keeping a household by myself.
I have overcome a fear! And I am so proud of that!
It might have been (and still is) very hard, and there were certainly moments I thought of giving up. But I feel really strong right now! I am a good mother, and I can handle it all by myself :-)
I also learned to keep faith no matter what, the importance of friendship and most of all the importance of love.
I will see my boyfriend again in 12 days, a long time and I am already missing him and will even going to miss him more in the next days. But I know it is okay now, I am not afraid to lose him, not afraid I can not handle it, I know I can do it.
My future will be a beautiful one. Soon I can go back to my home in Leiden, and will have the change to find a new home. I secretly hope with a little garden. The children will be able to go see their father a lot. I can still reach my other children easily and things will calm down after a long time of big storms and thunderclouds. I am free and because of that I am exactly where I got to be.
donderdag 29 maart 2012
She who weighs the truth
Weighs The Truth is the Mother of Truth, Self-determination, and Responsibility. She is the Protect-ress of the Underdog, the Fair Judge of Divine Law and the Destroyer of Deception. She teaches us how to find the ability to respond and be self-determined, to feed the positive over the negative, how to use equality with justice by being accountable for our actions and words, how to use personal integrity, ethics and values to find healing solutions.
Written 23th of March 2011
I stare over the water and it looks lovely. Green mossy plaques are covering part of it, like beautiful fairy pillows. My place today in the circle is the south. The place for hope, trust, confidence, passion and compassion.... Typical at this moment...
My attetion gets drawn by a sqeeky sound but when I look up I see a buzzard. Jean is here...and I can not help but smile.
I played my flute and feel the creatures. As I stopped playing I felt like a fairy myself, connected to nature...so close.. I can feel she never stands still but is always moving, my beautiful mother earth. I feel myself getting pulled out of my body, I can look at myself from a distance. Sitting in the autumn leaves, hair like fire in the sun, dressed in the colours of autumn. 2 Large butterfly wings on my back, also in earthly colours, copper, orange, brown, bronze and gold.
I sit there like a little ball. How can I fly again?
I feel so lost, but there i fit so well, so naturally... Love is all.... I can feel him coming behind me, put his arms around me, pulling me close.
Rest your head, he says, cry your tears. Here you are never alone.Wings of green, antlers on his head, his scent so familiar. So close and so far. A little owlet lands on my shoulder. For a moment not here for a moment complete.......I hear the drums it is time to come back, back into my body, back to the house.
--------------------------------------
We have a petit lunch and than go to big field of mossy grass where a big medicine wheel is spread out for us, with the four directions and a center.
We will do the ceremony with the pipe. Also know as the "pipe of peace" smoked by the native americans.
In each direction of the medicine wheel we will say prayers, say what we are gratefull for and give what we want to let go to the worry basket.
I am gratefull for a lot of things, and I pray for a lot too.
But I also let go a lot, a whole lot. And I can feel that even now. The ceremony does it's work. The energy still intense around me.
We took about 4 hours before finishing this ritual and than we go and eat.
But I still felt lost and wanted to get home as soon as possible. I needed to take my children, and wanted to see my beloved. I needed some arms to cry in. But once one, the tears could not get out.
I felt alone, misunderstood and so much more. I felt the group had let me down because nobody responded at my email. I felt like putting out a cry for help and got no answer :(
But that evening Lucia our teacher called me and I could tell her my story, how I felt and that gave me some air and made me feel better.
It is hard for me to ask for help. I was hard for me to pray for what I want but it was a relief to let so much go.
But now when I look back at the day I know my sisters were there that day, not by words at the moment that I wanted it the most, but with a song, singing it to me in the circle:
My sister, my sister, I pray for your courage, to do what you have to do for yourself....
My sister, my sister, I pray for your courage, to do what you have to do for yourself....
And thinking back of that moment, gives me a lot of love and healing now, and that is what matters.
zondag 18 maart 2012
Lost and found?
I curl up next to my daughter, my body protective around her body.
Her little hand in mine. For one moment I feel lost, how on earth did the world forsaken me?
So many difficult choices, so many pain to work out, to face.
I she really all that I have?
I look at her and cry, my sweet little owlet, my heart.
I want the best for you, for your brothers but every choice I have in front of me seems bad.
I need rest, my body is broken and my spirit is about to break.
How can I hold on?
A tear rolls down face, I pray and take the hand of my little owl, Goddess protect us, give me strength, give me inner peace, give me love. Let all be fine, and soon please.
Please let me find the right way, please find me and take me where I got to be....
Her little hand in mine. For one moment I feel lost, how on earth did the world forsaken me?
So many difficult choices, so many pain to work out, to face.
I she really all that I have?
I look at her and cry, my sweet little owlet, my heart.
I want the best for you, for your brothers but every choice I have in front of me seems bad.
I need rest, my body is broken and my spirit is about to break.
How can I hold on?
A tear rolls down face, I pray and take the hand of my little owl, Goddess protect us, give me strength, give me inner peace, give me love. Let all be fine, and soon please.
Please let me find the right way, please find me and take me where I got to be....
donderdag 15 maart 2012
The creatures
Staying in connection with Mother Eart so consciously, makes that I see the creatures even more.
This creature was in the tree next to our farm :-) She is watching us from her place in the tree.
I do not know her story yet, maybe she will tell me before I leave here....
woensdag 14 maart 2012
Broken Hearted
I have the heart-shaped stone in my hands. I think of my own heart. So broken, so hurt, so scared, but also filled with so much love. My life changed in so many ways and now it's almost for sure that I will move to Belgium. I tried everything to stay in the Netherlands, for myself, for my children, but I have no right on anything and I can not get a home here, I have no right on urgency for a house and have not enough income to rent something. So the only option left now is to go with my boyfriend to Belgium.
But that means I have to pay a high price again. Because my son wants to stay with his father. Eventhough it is in mine opinion it is better if he would go with me. But I also know it would break his fathers heart.
So what is it with following your heart is the best option? I don't know it anymore. I only know that if I would have stayed in my marriage I would die, I followed my heart and left, I fell in love. And now I feel broken hearted.
I want to try to understand the greater plan, I want to believe that everything will be allright.... but for now it feels like everything sucks, all is hard, and that there is no way out of this without hurt or pain. For me, for others. But deep down inside I know I made the best choice. And how everything will go, I really do not know. I think I entered one of the biggest adventures of my life and ready or not I have to face it now. It feels like jumping into the dark and that you have to believe that there are no sharp and pointy rocks at the bottom, and if there are, that I can fly over them.
Now more than ever I need to believe I can fly.
But that means I have to pay a high price again. Because my son wants to stay with his father. Eventhough it is in mine opinion it is better if he would go with me. But I also know it would break his fathers heart.
So what is it with following your heart is the best option? I don't know it anymore. I only know that if I would have stayed in my marriage I would die, I followed my heart and left, I fell in love. And now I feel broken hearted.
I want to try to understand the greater plan, I want to believe that everything will be allright.... but for now it feels like everything sucks, all is hard, and that there is no way out of this without hurt or pain. For me, for others. But deep down inside I know I made the best choice. And how everything will go, I really do not know. I think I entered one of the biggest adventures of my life and ready or not I have to face it now. It feels like jumping into the dark and that you have to believe that there are no sharp and pointy rocks at the bottom, and if there are, that I can fly over them.
Now more than ever I need to believe I can fly.
woensdag 29 februari 2012
Between worlds
A weekend full with emotions, thinking, going back in lifes, worlds and feelings.
Last night I went to the beach. I love the feeling of going to the beach when it's dark. The lonely cry of the sea can calm my soul like nothing else. And yesterday it was also misty.
You could see nothing, but I saw everything. I was lost and found between the worlds.
And if I could walk into the sea, into the myst I would.
It's a feeling of ultimate loneliness, but in a positive way. I sang some songs for Manannán Mac Lir. I thougt about my spiritual travels going into the ocean as a selkie. And he teaching me the songs of the oceans, the stones hidden in the water, teaching me their wisdom. I prayed to Danu, to hold me and cradle me. To keep me safe. I begged Branwen to let me visions to be real, to heal my wounded soul.
I thougt about the visions I had and my worried heart.
Once home I thought about the conversation I had with one of my friends, I asked her for advice, because she is one of the few friends who can hear the voice of my heart when I can not hear it clearly myself anymore.
She wanted to pick me a card, but two fell out of the deck. One showed a picture of a woman sitting on a horse jumping from a cliff and the card said: I am in love with the adventure of life.
The second card said: I see my challenges as the highest goals in my life.
They hit me hard, and I could hear my heart scream out.... But I am afraid, I lock her out, because I am afraid for what I see.
Afraid for the joy of my own heart....
Last night I went to the beach. I love the feeling of going to the beach when it's dark. The lonely cry of the sea can calm my soul like nothing else. And yesterday it was also misty.
You could see nothing, but I saw everything. I was lost and found between the worlds.
And if I could walk into the sea, into the myst I would.
It's a feeling of ultimate loneliness, but in a positive way. I sang some songs for Manannán Mac Lir. I thougt about my spiritual travels going into the ocean as a selkie. And he teaching me the songs of the oceans, the stones hidden in the water, teaching me their wisdom. I prayed to Danu, to hold me and cradle me. To keep me safe. I begged Branwen to let me visions to be real, to heal my wounded soul.
I thougt about the visions I had and my worried heart.
Once home I thought about the conversation I had with one of my friends, I asked her for advice, because she is one of the few friends who can hear the voice of my heart when I can not hear it clearly myself anymore.
She wanted to pick me a card, but two fell out of the deck. One showed a picture of a woman sitting on a horse jumping from a cliff and the card said: I am in love with the adventure of life.
The second card said: I see my challenges as the highest goals in my life.
They hit me hard, and I could hear my heart scream out.... But I am afraid, I lock her out, because I am afraid for what I see.
Afraid for the joy of my own heart....
zondag 26 februari 2012
The days after.
Tired that is how I feel. Somehow the day had more impact on me than I expected. I touched something deep inside of me, and awakened some feelings. Today I spent some time finding the song that the women sang to me.
For some healing....
For some healing....
zaterdag 25 februari 2012
The Second Clanmother: Wisdom Keeper
Wisdom Keeper is the Protect-ress of Sacred Traditions, the Mother of Friendship, Planetary Unity and Mutual Understanding. She teaches us the art of self development and expansion, how to access Planetary Memory, personal recall, ancient wisdom and knowledge, to understand that every life form holds wisdom, how to be a friend and to restore friendship by honoring the viewpoints of all life forms.
When I arrived at the station my friend Nancy was already waiting for me. For me comforting to keep my mind and my heart calm. We arrived early and got welcomed with hot tea, cookies and fire. A good welcome.
When everybody was there we got upstairs and opened the circle, we sang and than got outside to go to our place to connect with the second clanmother.
At my sacred place
The water is still covered with ice and yet I can feel the spring. The birds are singing. No death mouse this time at my place, pfew! But I did saw 2 times already 2 couples of "boomkruipers". Birds who will stay their whole lives together. A beautiful sign for two people who are that afraid. On the way in the train we also saw a field full with swans, monogamous birds also...
I have found my mate and would like to keep him. It will be fine.
I can feel the earth, the stones, their vibration low and deep. Their song...hummmmaaaaa, slowly, very low. Like breathing in and out. Hummmmmm...in....maaaaaa...out.
What do you want to know the stones ask me.
I don't know, is there and end?
No, they answer, and yes it will be fine daughter of the earth.
You also call me daugther of the ocean, fire child....?
You are her child and she is everything, and because of that so are you.
It becomes misty in front of my eyes, fairies dance on the water, I'm on the border, the edge of worlds, in between. Avalon is so close...
Lady, lady, part the mists for me...
Lady, lady, unveil your mystery.
I get my flute, close my eyes and play. I feel the creatures surrounding me, feel their energy, as I stop after playing a while, I can hear the drums, calling us back to the house... Did time went so fast?
I get up and get my stuff, give some cookies to the creatures and walk away from my place. I run into Nancy, I take her hand and we walk both back to the house. She tells me, next time when you play your flute, keep your audience with you! I laugh...somebody else noticed them too :-)
Back in the house we must pick out a stone with our eyes closed from the altar. We must connect with the stone and get to our deepest desire.My stone is heartshaped. Love.... Something that I am, something that is so important to me...Love.... THe stone felt cold at first, but gets more warm. Her song is high, like the purring of a cat but much higher. I hear giggling. Fairy energy telling me to feel the joy of my heart. Me deepest desire, to be love, give love, work with the horses. Love...the energy of the Robin. There he is again. After our meditation with the stone we tell about our experiences. When I tell mine about love, the horse and that I see all the stripes in the stone as scars. The sing for me.
How could anybody tell you that you are less than beautiful
How could anybody tell you that you are less than whole
How could nobody notice your love is like a miracle,deeply connected to your soul.
I can feel their love, feel my tears and can not let go. To afraid to get judged, rejected. So I swallow my tears and feel angry with myself. I feel stupid.
We go for lunch. A wren shows up. Sings for me. He is so pretty. So small yet king of all birds because he was so smart. He also makes me think inmediatly at Sorcha from the seven waters... Her love was almost impossible...but in the end everything turns out fine. She believed. She was his little owl, just like I am my boyfriends little bird and like Niiv is my little owl.
I feel my heart feel with warmth...it will be fine. Love is all. Love will win, not fear.
The rest of the afternoon I can not really remember, I remember emotions, and making the plate. Grey this time...
We get a new bead and close the circle. I feel tired and want to go home. I need to travel for more than a hour.
At the station my ex husband comes to pick me up to bring me home with my children. I am happy to see them and am happy to get home. I hug my daugther and bring her to bed.
The house is full of people, but it feels empty without my boyfriend and I feel stupid. Me, the independent woman, feel like a little girl missing her boyfriend...
I first call Nancy to tell her how I feel, that I feel like a pussy :(
She understands and that feels good. After that I call boyfriend, the talk is emotional. I feel my tears again, and again I can not let them go. He feels me. I try to explain my day, but it is hard, I'm full with emotions, with fear, I miss him and feel stupid about that.
But we have a good talk and I hang up the phone more calm.
I take my son to bed, and make tea. Together with my friend Gert I drink tea and have a good talk. That helps me get my feelings straight. After our talk I go to bed. Crawl next to my son. Tomorrow a busy day and I think to myself I wish it was monday... I wish him close to me.
I don't care about the feeling that I need him, I love him, I am allowed to feel safe with him and will be happy when he is back and feel like the little bird I am to him. Little, safe, protected and warm.
I will cry my tears than....
dinsdag 21 februari 2012
The battle of acceptance
I want to accept, this feeling of love, this feeling of happiness. Ik want to surrender to all what is good. But I am so afraid.
Acceptance seems to overcome terrain, but how do I surrender?
How do I listen to that soft calming voice, when the voice of fear tries to over-scream her together with a whole army?
And how do I gett o that state of surrender?
I can see it all so clearly, the how and the why.
Do I hold on to much to my pain, and if yes, how do I let go?
And than again the soft voice again, like a wave of acceptance, coming and going.
I never knew that surrendering to love, whatever kind of love, could be that hard and difficult.
And why we've cut ourselfs from the source, from ourselfs.
I should listen even better....
Acceptance seems to overcome terrain, but how do I surrender?
How do I listen to that soft calming voice, when the voice of fear tries to over-scream her together with a whole army?
And how do I gett o that state of surrender?
I can see it all so clearly, the how and the why.
Do I hold on to much to my pain, and if yes, how do I let go?
And than again the soft voice again, like a wave of acceptance, coming and going.
I never knew that surrendering to love, whatever kind of love, could be that hard and difficult.
And why we've cut ourselfs from the source, from ourselfs.
I should listen even better....
donderdag 16 februari 2012
Freedom, Friendship and Love
I never knew that my jump into the deep would make me jump again and from an even higher place.
I feel like standing on the edge and my heart beats almost out of my chest and my questions go through my mind. But deep inside I know I must jump. In the last half year I learned so much.
First it started with reclaiming myself and with doing that I found myself in a complete new way of freedom. I realise now I am in control of my life, that I can make my own decisions. At first I was scared to death, I felt like I had now control, to finally find out that I had ALL the control. I realised how much it means to me to be close to nature, to do things my way, hoe much it means to be ME.
When I jumped into the deep by leaving my husband I got to know my true friends. People who supported me in every way, who I could talk to, who dried my tears and were not afraid to tell me when I was wrong. They grabbed me up and put me back on my path, they helped me to get stronger. But I also learned (and still learning) to accept help, ask for help. That it is okay that you can not do it all alone sometimes.
Because "She who speaks with relations" taught me to go in every situation first into myself, I can see my lessons more clear and can I integrate it way more fast than before. I'm not blocking my own vision anymore or let it get blocked by others and because of that I can hear the voice of my heart much and much better.
It made that I am less afraid to show my vulnerability.
And than you find somebody who loves the person that I am. Who is not afraid of me, who thinks that I am the most beautiful woman in the world. Who saw me so vulnerable and said you are like a little bird that learns to fly again. He gave me my wings back. I am so grateful for this love.
And I also learn a lot from this love, from him. I learned to receive love again, I am learning not to be afraid of it. I learned "together" and not "together alone".
My trust in love came back. And with my trust in love, my trust in life.
All because I dared to jump.
So all I can do now is open my wings, jump from that edge and believe that I can fly.
dinsdag 14 februari 2012
2 Trainings at one time.
A bit unexpected I give my own training too this year.
I started at midwinter already teaching my boyfriend the ways of nature religion. But after a gathering with my birthday, my friends really thought that my boyfriend should get his training to become a priest of the Goddess too. So last weekend we got together for Imbolc and deceided that he would get also his earth initiation. But suprise was that on other friend wanted to have the training too, so instead of one, I did two initiations last saturday. And I must say it felt really good to be in this energy again. To do what I love so much.
We started with opening the circle and we did some really nice things together, like make a healing stone, asked for healing, we make a snake stick to help us shed our skin.
But for me the most beautiful part of the day was going outside, playing the drum and give the earth initiation to both J and D.
Preparing the table for making soft healing stones.
Learning how to felt (that was a bonus for me that day ;-) )
Once outside it was a wonderful experience to give the initiations.
To hear the heartbeat of the drums. 2 Men both so different in energy.
Once outside it was a wonderful experience to give the initiations.
To hear the heartbeat of the drums. 2 Men both so different in energy.
Me & J.
First I gave J. his initiation, the energy was soft but very strong. I felt al lot of creatures around us.
Once the Goddess took over I could feel the energy become more stronger and stronger. But also the energy of J. The earth energy completly took him over and gave him a lot of power in that moment and touched him very deeply. After that it was D's turn to get the initiation.
Me, D and his sword.
The initiation of D was also very pretty. His energy was more strong, connected to a very old energy.
His roots went very deep and far in many ways. I could feel his connection to the old Gods.
When the earth energy came up I could feel a male presence around us, very strongly.
I was amazing to feel :-)
Freezing around the farm ;-)
It was very very beautiful to do, but we were also very happy to get inside, get warm tea and talk it all over next to the heating ;-)
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