Clanmother : Look far Woman

Looks Far Woman is the Mother of Visions, Dreams and Psychic Impressions, the Guardian of Dreamtime and the Keeper of Inner Potential. She teaches us how to understand our visions, dreams, feelings and impressions, how to enter Dreamtime, how to properly use our natural psychic abilities and gifts of prophecy for humanity, how to use spiritual boundaries, psychic self-defense, and how to respect those boundaries in others, and how to use our inner potential to become "healed healers". 

I got to bed, tired, sad, I don't want to understand anything anymore.

I curl up and close my eyes. Immediately fox is there. I find myself at a big gate, a sort of portal. It looks likes there is only universe, I see the moon, stars, colours, rainbows, it's a lot and I get down on my knees. I remember the story of the clanmother, the girl being raped by the hunters, brought to the clanmother by her brother.

I now I am there, at the portal of dreamtimes, raped, not physical, but my soul is raped. I feel broken, alone, wounded. Against my face the soft nose of fox. It is always him who is there, helping me and leading me.

I can feel my pain so clear, so intense, but still no tears come down from my eyes. Tears are the blood of the soul, tears are the pearls of the soul, tears are words that need to be written....

I heard it all....but I lay there just feeling that intense pain. Fox encourages me to come with him and slowly I stand up. He wants me to go through the gate, I just don't care anymore, I feel lost, alone, in pain. So I follow without thoughts, my mind empty. And when I step through the gate I don't know anything anymore.

I wake up with only this as a memory. I think I am still there, that the story will continue. My soul is in the dreamtime, in the arms of Looks Far Woman.

Today I can not go to the training, I will have to face this clanmother alone. Maybe for a reason, I don't know.

I feel empty, my eyes look glazy, I can feel part of me is not here. But I trust fox to where he leads me, he will take care of my soul.

She who is finding herself back

I left the farm were I was living. I am now at a friend waiting to get back to my house. Just two weeks to go. It has been very hard not having my own place for the last 7 months. But oh my Goddess what did I learn a lot. Now that I am here at my friend I feel like I can breathe again, slowly my mind gets more at ease. My body on the other hand is letting the stress out in a whole different way, with a whole lot of infections, like for instant my eyes... I look like dracula with my red eyes...and my candida is having big party's at the moment.  But to help my body a bit I am eating very healthy and let go of all sugar and yeast. Normally I rarely ate that, but at the farm I didn't had much choice and my body got really sick...so it is not very strange that it is all coing out at the moment. But I am taking good care of myself.
I feel blessed with the help of my friends although it still feels hard for me to accept it.
I notice that I grew a lot, I dare more, know myself better, no what I want and what I don't want. I can also notice I feel better because I started cleaning again. Maybe a strange example but believe me when you feel bad, you care less about cleaning and stuff. But now I feel that the little cleaning freak that lives within me is coming out again hihi.
More and more I find pieces of myself back again. Some pieces lost long ago, some pieces not missing so long but deperatly needed to stay strong.
I found back the lover, the mother, the innocent me, feminine me, the playing me, my inner child, courageous me, sweet me, so many things I lost. So many things found back, so many things healed.
It doens't mean that everything is okay now, I still have a way to go. Much healing to do and some difficult things to find back. But I feel more strong, more complete, more confident in what is coming.
I learned that I am not alone I am surrounded in so many ways.
I feel blessed and know even more that love is all :-)

For just once

Run your fingers through my soul.
For once, just once,
feel exactly what I feel,
believe what I believe,
perceive as I perceive,
look, experience, examine,
and for once,
just once,
Understand

Full moon meditation

It is around two in the morning when I got awakened by the light of the moon. I open the curtains and see her in the sky. I bath in her light and think about the the fact that we should all meditate this night. In the beginning of the night I had no time. My daughter would not sleep and when she finally fell a sleep,  was gone too.
But I guess Mother Moon called me. So I sit on the bed of my son. And I look at all my children sleeping around me. Their faces like little angels. Their breathing calms me.
I look at the moon and think of the clanmother She who weighs the truth. I realise that the truth comes in many forms and is different to many people.
So when is something the truth and when a lie? And is not saying something a lie, or just not telling everything in the best interest of another person (or not in the best interest of course that is also a possibility)?
I think of the story of the clanmother, she had the difficult task to solve a problem between two women. Two women who both had their own truth.
I think of my marriage and my upcoming divorce. Both my  husband an me saw things in different ways. He was happy and I was not. He thought he gave me all the love in the world and I thought I did not get love at all. Both have a different story, a different view...is that wrong I think? And why I think...
But I don't have the answers to that. I happened and we are separated right now. I have a new relation and he also has a new woman in his life. And also in this case we both see things different.
So again who deceides what is the truth? I think it is in the eye of the beholder. It depends on emotions, clearity and so much more I think.
But it is okay.
I let the moon full up my soul and look and my children, I learned that the small things in my life are my biggest treasures. That love is my biggest treasure, for me the truth, for another maybe not...
I realise I am a happy person even though all the problems in my life. I am connected again with the stream of life, the stream of counciousness.
I wave at the moon, like that I wave at my clansisters and my beloved.

I am happy with the truth and love in my heart.

Special moments

When I curl up in my bubble in the corner of the bed and you pull me from my corner close to you.
When I cross my arms over my body and lock myself off and you softly open my arms to hold me.
When I run outside in emotions and you cry because you can not find me.
When I say no and you see my yes.
When I cry in the shower and you feel me and come upstairs under de shower with your clothes on to hold me.
When I am sad and you make your "serious" face to make me laugh.
When you say you love my hair and in the same time fight with it.
When I dance to see you smiling and that you deceide to dance with me.
When I cook that you always love it and compliment me, so I want to make more for you.
That you always push me to be me.
That you never hold me down.
That you call me your little bird.
That you play with me like children would play.
That you can show me the stars.
That you encourage me to grow.
That you correct me with softness and teach me us instead of me.
That you show me the beauty of "us".
That when you look at me that I can not help but notice that you really stole my heart and make me realise I am whole again.

Understanding lessons.

Last week was an intense week. The father of the friend were I am living was found uncounsious in his home. The way it is looking now it is most likely he will die. I have been to to lawyer to make arrangements for my divorce and today my boyfriend left to Belgium to get back at work in the army. Eventhough I like him a lot with his militairy look, i was not happy to see him go.
But it was also a week of understanding lessons. This week I found out why I am here. Why I did not go or could not go to other friends.
I have always been very insecure about being a mother, handling it all alone. And I had a strong desire to prove to everybody that I could do it alone.
I realised that coming here, and all the things happened make that I feel really secure right now about being a mother and about being alone and doing it myself.
Of course I got help, but still I took care of 6 children (some weekends 8) , 2 adult men, a bunch of animals and a farm. And I am pretty good at it. My confidence have grown so much that I have no worries of taking care of my children alone, or keeping a household by myself.
I have overcome a fear! And I am so proud of that!
It might have been (and still is) very hard, and there were certainly moments I thought of giving up. But I feel really strong right now! I am a good mother, and I can handle it all by myself :-)
I also learned to keep faith no matter what, the importance of friendship and most of all the importance of love.
I will see my boyfriend again in 12 days, a long time and I am already missing him and will even going to miss him more in the next days. But I know it is okay now, I am not afraid to lose him, not afraid I can not handle it, I know I can do it.
My future will be a beautiful one. Soon I can go back to my home in Leiden, and will have the change to find a new home. I secretly hope with a little garden. The children will be able to go see their father a lot. I can still reach my other children easily and things will calm down after a long time of big storms and thunderclouds. I am free and because of that I am exactly where I got to be.