Ultimate survival

He is gone. For a month or so. And I am alone.
And I feel complete panic. I finally know that I am sick, I am trying to find my way with that, find it hard to accept, I must search for a new house and so much more and than like lighting crashes he is gone.
Today is my first day, I try to see it as a test, how good I will handle and if it is possible not to lose my mind.
So how did this day so far. The morning was okay, boyfriend was still home, we had breakfast, he walked the dogs and I brought my son to school.
Once back he started to pack his bag. I hated it. Because putting everything in there for me was torture, knowing he would be really going for so long.
I try to understand why faith makes me suffer, but I can find no reason.
He got me some money so I could eat, I walked the dogs and than woke up my daughter so she and me could go pick up her brother from school.
En this moment was also the terrible moment of goodbye. I just stand there like stone, afraid if I would say something, or show any emotions I would burst out in tears. So I swallowed my tears and walked away with my little girl in the buggy. Trying not to look back.
And so I went to school, my mind completly in shock, making over hours how the hell I would ever manage this. And after 20 minutes or so, I just turned numb.
I picked up my son and we took quite a long trip through the city. I bought the kids a donut, looked around here and there and went home.
Once home me and my son painted a robot while the little girl was eating grapes in her chair.
I wonder around the house and my heart feels empty. I already miss him.
I guess it is time to cook. This night I will pick up a car for behind my bike. So it will be more easy to take this kids everywhere with me. (I hope)
And than it will be silent here.....