The magical calm..

Something I miss, I realised today. The magical calm, the sort of inner peace that atracts children. All my children were always drawn to their father. And I see with my daughter now, she gets drawn to my boyfriend when I am stressed. I see now that I have always been like that, and I always thought that my children rejected me. That I just wasn't good enough. Today it became clear to me it had nothing to bo with being good enough, but with the huge chaos in my head that sends it vibes out....making me hard to understand or to reach in my energy, aspecially for my children.
And really I hate it. Because I don't know have I can change that. I try but it is very hard. First the storm in my head needs to lay down and than I have to start picking up the pieces and cleaning up the mess.
Little things like this, hit me really hard. Because somehow I did not see this before and it gave me pain for me many years. Than I can feel so sad that I am like this with out knowing it sometimes. I can hate my parents for hating me, don't wanting me, and hate the fact that mostly because of them I am like I am.
Because I don't want to be like that, like this.
So many parts of the puzzle seem to fall in place the last weeks. And of course that is good because now I can work with it, but I wonder why it hurts so bad... Why it can not just go away easily...
I feel like dirty water needed to get clear again. I can not see anything in the dark right now and take very little steps, but it is very scary.
I know I have to do it, I want to do it. Because I want to give my children the best of me, want to give myself the best of me. The storm needs to lay down, needs to shut up, and preferably right now....
But it doesn't work like that I am afraid...
I wonder how many people have so many fears like me...and how they overcome them or handle them. I guess just being strong and try to ignore them does not work anymore....
Little steps, little steps on my way to that magical calm...my inner peace...