I peeled of some layers again. Seeing more and more why I am the way I am, why I react the way I do. The whole blueprint of my life is based on rejection, fear,and lack of love.
I start to realise more and more that that blueprint makes who I am today and starting to understand why I have so much troubles with things.
I will try from now on to write every day a bit, mostly for myself to learn more about myself.
This week it was very clear to me that I really have an anxiety disorder. Everything in my life is based on fear and that controles me a lot. If I want to get myself back, and most of all, happy I must come to the point that I can break with my fears. And believe me those are a lot, and with a lot, I really mean a LOT.
Hopefully the doctor can mean something in that too, but for now I will also work really hard with myself and the things that I know and using that on myself to make my life a bit brighter and less full of all those fears.
An important thing in that is getting more self-confidence so I can handle the fears. Learn that I am good enough the way that I am.
I know that won't be easy, because most of my life people tell me I am not good enough, starting with my parents who both didn't even want me. I feels like breaking habbits.
And to speak with the words of my sons favourite song:
I am breaking the habit tonight!
(with tiny tiny steps)
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