Understanding lessons.

Last week was an intense week. The father of the friend were I am living was found uncounsious in his home. The way it is looking now it is most likely he will die. I have been to to lawyer to make arrangements for my divorce and today my boyfriend left to Belgium to get back at work in the army. Eventhough I like him a lot with his militairy look, i was not happy to see him go.
But it was also a week of understanding lessons. This week I found out why I am here. Why I did not go or could not go to other friends.
I have always been very insecure about being a mother, handling it all alone. And I had a strong desire to prove to everybody that I could do it alone.
I realised that coming here, and all the things happened make that I feel really secure right now about being a mother and about being alone and doing it myself.
Of course I got help, but still I took care of 6 children (some weekends 8) , 2 adult men, a bunch of animals and a farm. And I am pretty good at it. My confidence have grown so much that I have no worries of taking care of my children alone, or keeping a household by myself.
I have overcome a fear! And I am so proud of that!
It might have been (and still is) very hard, and there were certainly moments I thought of giving up. But I feel really strong right now! I am a good mother, and I can handle it all by myself :-)
I also learned to keep faith no matter what, the importance of friendship and most of all the importance of love.
I will see my boyfriend again in 12 days, a long time and I am already missing him and will even going to miss him more in the next days. But I know it is okay now, I am not afraid to lose him, not afraid I can not handle it, I know I can do it.
My future will be a beautiful one. Soon I can go back to my home in Leiden, and will have the change to find a new home. I secretly hope with a little garden. The children will be able to go see their father a lot. I can still reach my other children easily and things will calm down after a long time of big storms and thunderclouds. I am free and because of that I am exactly where I got to be.