Running and healing

Two times this week boyfriend gave me a sort of energetic healing. The first time, was a bit funny, my mind always goed everywhere so I asked, please talk to me, so my mind keeps in the same place. I fell a sleep :D I never slept so good since a long time. And the funny part all I heard him say was: Do you sleep and I know I said, no....hehehe
The second time was less fun, it was painfull, and I was happy it was over. But I know it was for letting things out. Still it is hard for me to say stop because I want to be strong.
Today was a terrible day. I have seen all of my city, because of school, work, babysitter, home, school and so on. I worked very hard and tried so hard not to loose my mind. Several times I asked myself, why am I doing this, why am I in this tredmill? Because apparantly I need to fit in now, not having a choice. Yes I have a choice, but the law and some people would not agree (such a shame though...)
Tonight I would go to the station to pick up 2 of my kids, but the trains didn't go. No solution to get them here and no I feel sooooo bad.
Because I know what my ex will say to my children and that makes me feel really bad.
And nevertheless I try so hard not to feel bad it doesn't work. I could not even allow myself to cry.
And no I sit on the couch, alone, afraid because I have to walk the dogs alone in the dark, and I am afraid of the dark. I have to sleep in an empty house, wich I am afraid of too, and I have to fight the demons in my head wich I have proven of lately that it does not go so well right now.
So even how hard I would try, I know I will have a very bad night and knowing I will see my ex tomorrow morning will not make it any better.
I try really hard not to think bad of myself right now, but it feels like my inner voice, my inner calm is letting me down...
Up we go, surviving this evening and night.....

Wobbly Wednesday

Today was a busy day. I ran around a lot, did a lot, so I got less time to think. But oh my how tired I am. It is really amazing how easily my body gets tired by fysical work. I feel absolutly dead. But beside that I felt not so bad. I am a bit nervous for the talk with the doctor tomorrow, But I know I will not be alone. For me it is still very hard to accept that boyfriend really wants to suport me.
For me opening up my soul to him is more worse that running around naked outside...yes really, that bad it is.
I am afraid (stupid fear again) to get judged and misunderstood. He offered me to give me care every night, I agreed because I know it can be good for me, but to be honest, I really don't like it because I am afraid of what will happen.
It is a very big trust a need to have and also a lot of surrender. I feel stupid because I think I have no right to feel like that because boyfriend treats me really well.
It's just the damn fear and insecurity that is making me doubt everything and feel so insecure about everything. Not liking this feeling. I wish so badly for more peace inside of me, but for now the wind is still blowing really hard.
Emotions, feelings...all comes and goes. Really my children keep me sane.
Baking cookies, doing stuff together...just things that need no fear or thinking....
Hugs, kisses, smiles....yeah, my children rule :-) (and my boyfriend too!)

The magical calm..

Something I miss, I realised today. The magical calm, the sort of inner peace that atracts children. All my children were always drawn to their father. And I see with my daughter now, she gets drawn to my boyfriend when I am stressed. I see now that I have always been like that, and I always thought that my children rejected me. That I just wasn't good enough. Today it became clear to me it had nothing to bo with being good enough, but with the huge chaos in my head that sends it vibes out....making me hard to understand or to reach in my energy, aspecially for my children.
And really I hate it. Because I don't know have I can change that. I try but it is very hard. First the storm in my head needs to lay down and than I have to start picking up the pieces and cleaning up the mess.
Little things like this, hit me really hard. Because somehow I did not see this before and it gave me pain for me many years. Than I can feel so sad that I am like this with out knowing it sometimes. I can hate my parents for hating me, don't wanting me, and hate the fact that mostly because of them I am like I am.
Because I don't want to be like that, like this.
So many parts of the puzzle seem to fall in place the last weeks. And of course that is good because now I can work with it, but I wonder why it hurts so bad... Why it can not just go away easily...
I feel like dirty water needed to get clear again. I can not see anything in the dark right now and take very little steps, but it is very scary.
I know I have to do it, I want to do it. Because I want to give my children the best of me, want to give myself the best of me. The storm needs to lay down, needs to shut up, and preferably right now....
But it doesn't work like that I am afraid...
I wonder how many people have so many fears like me...and how they overcome them or handle them. I guess just being strong and try to ignore them does not work anymore....
Little steps, little steps on my way to that magical calm...my inner peace...

Unraveling the pain

I peeled of some layers again. Seeing more and more why I am the way I am, why I react the way I do. The whole blueprint of my life is based on rejection, fear,and lack of love.
I start to realise more and more that that blueprint makes who I am today and starting to understand why I have so much troubles with things.
I will try from now on to write every day a bit, mostly for myself to learn more about myself.
This week it was very clear to me that I really have an anxiety disorder. Everything in my life is based on fear and that controles me a lot. If I want to get myself back, and most of all, happy I must come to the point that I can break with my fears. And believe me those are a lot, and with a lot, I really mean a LOT.
Hopefully the doctor can mean something in that too, but for now I will also work really hard with myself and the things that I know and using that on myself to make my life a bit brighter and less full of all those fears.
An important thing in that is getting more self-confidence so I can handle the fears. Learn that I am good enough the way that I am.
I know that won't be easy, because most of my life people tell me I am not good enough, starting with my parents who both didn't even want me. I feels like breaking habbits.
And to speak with the words of my sons favourite song:
I am breaking the habit tonight!

(with tiny tiny steps)

Trying to understand myself

Sometimes you run into something that changes everything. Like for me this week when I read somebody's blog and with a smile on my face thought, hey I could have written this, it was raw and with a lot of emotion going up and down. I was happy to know that there were more people like me.
But going through every post she wrote, I came out with one where she explains she has a disorder.... And everthing she says applied to me too....
So a bit shocked I closed my laptop and thought yeah just coincidence....
But it kept lingering in my mind, so after some days I started looking up meer information about it. And regonized more and more.
So I crabbed all my courage and called my doctor for an appointment to talk about it. Because if I would have this, it would make so incredibly much clear to me.
So now I wait untill it's thursday and hopefully something comes out of it.
I getting to know myself more and more.

Little Fox with a big Dragon

There she sits, a little fox leans to a big dragon.
Big tears roll down her little fox face.
The dragon holds her big wing above her so she won't get wet by the rain.
Little raindrops fall in the lake before them and wrinkle the water.
Tell me your heart the dragon says.

Oh dragon she sniffs, I want to be loved.
To be loved for who I am.
I want to be somebody's moon and stars.
I always feel like I am not good enough.
Why can somebody not fall spontaniously in love with me?
Am I so strange or difficult?

The dragon sighs...
No little one you are not.
You are just a rare creature
Not everybody will see true you....

The little fox cried even louder.
I wish I could understand more why I am the way that I am..
You will, the dragon said, in time you will little one.
There are not many like you.
Still, the little fox snottered, I want to be loved for who I am.
I never knew it could all hurt so much, so deeply.
I feel like I can not trust my heart anymore, when normally she was my strongest thread in my life.
I am afraid, exhausted and I feel alone.

The dragon and the fox stayed a while like that together.
And after some time the little fox cried herself to sleep.
A man came, big strong, with the energy of the forest.
When the dragon saw him she gave him  little smile and opened a bit her wing so he could see the little fox.
He gave the dragon a small nod of understanding and than softly picked up the little fox.
Holding her to his warm body, keeping his strong arm around her to keep her safe.
He brought her to a safe place, a place where he took her before.

He sang when worked with her energy, petted her softly and put some oil of lavender between her eyes and the oil of orange on her sleeps.
Rest he said, my little beautiful one, don't you know that you are precious to me, to her, to all?
You have something special, and a special task.
I love you, YOU, just for being you.
I love every part of you and I always will. Think of that when you are alone and feel weary.

The little fox slowly opened her eyes, her head against his strong chest. His arm protective around her. His eyes like the brighstest stars.
Her hand softly found her way to his hand.
And for one moment she was free to breath, to feel loved, like the woman that she is.

Owner of a lonely heart

Fighting to be good enough, trying to believe that I am.
Knowing I am, but can not always admit it to myself.
Today I looked in the mirror. Two greengreyish eyes, wild red hair put up high for the heat, a bit colour on my face of the sun. Is that me?
I don't know sometimes anymore.
I think I am lost in myself so every now and than. doubting if I am good enough.
Thank Goddess I have my daughter, looking in her eyes makes me believe, make believe I am good enough.
She is my heart, she is the one who hold the broken pieces together.
Scattered in so many pieces...she holds every one of than.
I am so grateful for this little girl, this little shining light.
Both blessed in the love of her brothers, my sons.
The five of us are a team, unbreakable because of love.
They are all I have.

I Imagine

By this time there could have been an change you would have already born. 16th of August shoudl be my due date. No this day is coming closer I feel the pain of your loss more and more.
I see my little girl and see the pictures of his little boy. I wonder how you would have looked like. We both have strong genes as it seems.
I only have seen you like a little thingy on the sreen, so small, so tiny, moving around.
I wonder how you are doing, what you have become. For me you are a little star up in the sky, watching over us.
That idea keeps me strong and helps me to carry the pain.