Today was a busy day. I ran around a lot, did a lot, so I got less time to think. But oh my how tired I am. It is really amazing how easily my body gets tired by fysical work. I feel absolutly dead. But beside that I felt not so bad. I am a bit nervous for the talk with the doctor tomorrow, But I know I will not be alone. For me it is still very hard to accept that boyfriend really wants to suport me.
For me opening up my soul to him is more worse that running around naked outside...yes really, that bad it is.
I am afraid (stupid fear again) to get judged and misunderstood. He offered me to give me care every night, I agreed because I know it can be good for me, but to be honest, I really don't like it because I am afraid of what will happen.
It is a very big trust a need to have and also a lot of surrender. I feel stupid because I think I have no right to feel like that because boyfriend treats me really well.
It's just the damn fear and insecurity that is making me doubt everything and feel so insecure about everything. Not liking this feeling. I wish so badly for more peace inside of me, but for now the wind is still blowing really hard.
Emotions, feelings...all comes and goes. Really my children keep me sane.
Baking cookies, doing stuff together...just things that need no fear or thinking....
Hugs, kisses, smiles....yeah, my children rule :-) (and my boyfriend too!)
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