Between worlds

A weekend full with emotions, thinking, going back in lifes, worlds and feelings.
Last night I went to the beach. I love the feeling of going to the beach when it's dark. The lonely cry of the sea can calm my soul like nothing else. And yesterday it was also misty.
You could see nothing, but I saw everything. I was lost and found between the worlds.
And if I could walk into the sea, into the myst I would.

It's a feeling of ultimate loneliness, but in a positive way. I sang some songs for Manannán Mac Lir. I thougt about my spiritual travels going into the ocean as a selkie. And he teaching me the songs of the oceans, the stones hidden in the water, teaching me their wisdom. I prayed to Danu, to hold me and cradle me. To keep me safe. I begged Branwen to let me visions to be real, to heal my wounded soul.
I thougt about the visions I had and my worried heart.

Once home I thought about the conversation I had with one of my friends, I asked her for advice, because she is one of the few friends who can hear the voice of my heart when I can not hear it clearly myself anymore.
She wanted to pick me a card, but two fell out of the deck. One showed a picture of a woman sitting on a horse jumping from a cliff and the card said: I am in love with the adventure of life.
The second card said: I see my challenges as the highest goals in my life.
They hit me hard, and I could hear my heart scream out.... But I am afraid, I lock her out, because I am afraid for what I see.
Afraid for the joy of my own heart....

The days after.

Tired that is how I feel. Somehow the day had more impact on me than I expected. I touched something deep inside of me, and awakened some feelings. Today I spent some time finding the song that the women sang to me.
For some healing....

The Second Clanmother: Wisdom Keeper

Wisdom Keeper is the Protect-ress of Sacred Traditions, the Mother of Friendship, Planetary Unity and Mutual Understanding. She teaches us the art of self development and expansion, how to access Planetary Memory, personal recall, ancient wisdom and knowledge, to understand that every life form holds wisdom, how to be a friend and to restore friendship by honoring the viewpoints of all life forms. 

Today was the second circle of the clanmothers. I had been looking forward to it. After one moon of being busy with the first clanmother I could feel it was time to move on. I have taken the lessons from the first clanmother and keep them close to  my heart and with that feeling I left to the group today. I traveld most of the way together with my boyfriend. We had two rough days together, with a lot of talking that made clear both are hearts are so afraid to get hurt. So afraid of losing one another. So it was hard saying goodbye.


When I arrived at the station my friend Nancy was already waiting for me. For me comforting to keep my mind and my heart calm. We arrived early and got welcomed with hot tea, cookies and fire. A good welcome.
When everybody was there we got upstairs and opened the circle, we sang and than got outside to go to our place to connect with the second clanmother.


At my sacred place
The water is still covered with ice and yet I can feel the spring. The birds are singing. No death mouse this time at my place, pfew! But I did saw 2 times already 2 couples of "boomkruipers". Birds who will stay their whole lives together. A beautiful sign for two people who are that afraid. On the way in the train we also saw a field full with swans, monogamous birds also...
I have found my mate and would like to keep him. It will be fine.


I can feel the earth, the stones, their vibration low and deep. Their song...hummmmaaaaa, slowly, very low. Like breathing in and out. Hummmmmm...in....maaaaaa...out.
What do you want to know the stones ask me.
I don't know, is there and end?
No, they answer, and yes it will be fine daughter of the earth.
You also call me daugther of the ocean, fire child....?
You are her child and she is everything, and because of that so are you.


It becomes misty in front of my eyes, fairies dance on the water, I'm on the border, the edge of worlds, in between. Avalon is so close...
Lady, lady, part the mists for me...
Lady, lady, unveil your mystery.


I get my flute, close my eyes and play. I feel the creatures surrounding me, feel their energy, as I stop after playing a while, I can hear the drums, calling us back to the house... Did time went so fast?


I get up and get my stuff, give some cookies to the creatures and walk away from my place. I run into Nancy, I take her hand and we walk both back to the house. She tells me, next time when you play your flute, keep your audience with you! I laugh...somebody else noticed them too :-)


Back in the house we must pick out a stone with our eyes closed from the altar. We must connect with the stone and get to our deepest desire.My stone is heartshaped. Love.... Something that I am, something that is so important to me...Love.... THe stone felt cold at first, but gets more warm. Her song is high, like the purring of a cat but much higher. I hear giggling. Fairy energy telling me to feel the joy of my heart. Me deepest desire, to be love, give love, work with the horses. Love...the energy of the Robin. There he is again. After our meditation with the stone we tell about our experiences. When I tell mine about love, the horse and that I see all the stripes in the stone as scars. The sing for me.



How could anybody tell you that you are less than beautiful
How could anybody tell you that you are less than whole
How could nobody notice your love is like a miracle,deeply connected to your soul.


I can feel their love, feel my tears and can not let go. To afraid to get judged, rejected. So I swallow my tears and feel angry with myself. I feel stupid.


We go for lunch. A wren shows up. Sings for me. He is so pretty. So small yet king of all birds because he was so smart. He also makes me think inmediatly at Sorcha from the seven waters... Her love was almost impossible...but in the end everything turns out fine. She believed. She was his little owl, just like I am my boyfriends little bird and like Niiv is my little owl.
I feel my heart feel with warmth...it will be fine. Love is all. Love will win, not fear.


The rest of the afternoon I can not really remember, I remember emotions, and making the plate. Grey this time...


We get a new bead and close the circle. I feel tired and want to go home. I need to travel for more than a hour.
At the station my ex husband comes to pick me up to bring me home with my children. I am happy to see them and am happy to get home. I hug my daugther and bring her to bed.
The house is full of people, but it feels empty without my boyfriend and I feel stupid. Me, the independent woman, feel like a little girl missing her boyfriend...
I first call Nancy to tell her how I feel, that I feel like a pussy :(
She understands and that feels good. After that I call boyfriend, the talk is emotional. I feel my tears again, and again I can not let them go. He feels me. I try to explain my day, but it is hard, I'm full with emotions, with fear, I miss him and feel stupid about that.
But we have a good talk and I hang up the phone more calm.


I take my son to bed, and make tea. Together with my friend Gert I drink tea and have a good talk. That helps me get my feelings straight. After our talk I go to bed. Crawl next to my son. Tomorrow a busy day and I think to myself I wish it was monday... I wish him close to me.
I don't care about the feeling that I need him, I love him, I am allowed to feel safe with him and will be happy when he is back and feel like the little bird I am to him. Little, safe, protected and warm.
I will cry my tears than....

The battle of acceptance

I want to accept, this feeling of love, this feeling of happiness. Ik want to surrender to all what is good. But I am so afraid.
Acceptance seems to overcome terrain, but how do I surrender?
How do I listen to that soft calming voice, when the voice of fear tries to over-scream her together with a whole army?
And how do I gett o that state of surrender?
I can see it all so clearly, the how and the why.
Do I hold on to much to my pain, and if yes, how do I let go?
And than again the soft voice again, like a wave of acceptance, coming and going.
I never knew that surrendering to love, whatever kind of love, could be that hard and difficult.
And why we've cut ourselfs from the source, from ourselfs.
I should listen even better....

Freedom, Friendship and Love

I never knew that my jump into the deep would make me jump again and from an even higher place.

I feel like standing on the edge and my heart beats almost out of my chest and my questions go through my mind. But deep inside I know I must jump. In the last half year I learned so much.

First it started with reclaiming myself and with doing that I found myself in a complete new way of freedom. I realise now I am in control of my life, that I can make my own decisions. At first I was scared to death, I felt like I had now control, to finally find out that I had ALL the control. I realised how much it means to me to be close to nature, to do things my way, hoe much it means to be ME.

When I jumped into the deep by leaving my husband I got to know my true friends. People who supported me in every way, who I could talk to, who dried my tears and were not afraid to tell me when I was wrong. They grabbed me up and put me back on my path, they helped me to get stronger. But I also learned (and still  learning) to accept help, ask for help. That it is okay that you can not do it all alone sometimes.

Because "She who speaks with relations" taught me to go in every situation first into myself, I can see my lessons more clear and can I integrate it way more fast than before. I'm not blocking my own vision anymore or let it get blocked by others and because of that I can hear the voice of my heart much and much better.

It made that I am less afraid to show my vulnerability.

And than you find somebody who loves the person that I am. Who is not afraid of me, who thinks that I am the most beautiful woman in the world. Who saw me so vulnerable and said you are like a little bird that learns to fly again. He gave me my wings back. I am so grateful for this love.

And I also learn a lot from this love, from him. I learned to receive love again, I am learning not to be afraid of it. I learned "together" and not "together alone".

My trust in love came back. And with my trust in love, my trust in life.

All because I dared to jump.

So all I can do now is open my wings, jump from that edge and believe that I can fly.

2 Trainings at one time.

A bit unexpected I give my own training too this year.

I started at midwinter already teaching my boyfriend the ways of nature religion. But after a gathering with my birthday, my friends really thought that my boyfriend should get his training to become a priest of the Goddess too. So last weekend we got together for Imbolc and deceided that he would get also his earth initiation. But suprise was that on other friend wanted to have the training too, so instead of one, I did two initiations last saturday. And I must say it felt really good to be in this energy again. To do what I love so much.

We started with opening the circle and we did some really nice things together, like make a healing stone, asked for healing, we make a snake stick to help us shed our skin.

But for me the most beautiful part of the day was going outside, playing the drum and give the earth initiation to both J and D.

Preparing the table for making soft healing stones.

Learning how to felt (that was a bonus for me that day ;-) )

Once outside it was a wonderful experience to give the initiations.
To hear the heartbeat of the drums. 2 Men both so different in energy.

Me & J.

First I gave J. his initiation, the energy was soft but very strong. I felt al lot of creatures around us.
Once the Goddess took over I could feel the energy become more stronger and stronger. But also the energy of J. The earth energy completly took him over and gave him a lot of power in that moment and touched him very deeply. After that it was D's turn to get the initiation.

Me, D and his sword.

The initiation of D was also very pretty. His energy was more strong, connected to a very old energy.
His roots went very deep and far in many ways. I could feel his connection to the old Gods.
When the earth energy came up I could feel a male presence around us, very strongly.
I was amazing to feel :-)

Freezing around the farm ;-)
It was very very beautiful to do, but we were also very happy to get inside, get warm tea and talk it all over next to the heating ;-)

The Owl, it took some time but I know now...

I think the owl is a bird that has been in my life eversince I was a little girl. But I never paid much attention to it. Last week I got a box with more of my stuff back and there were amazingly much owls in that box. My training this year also started with an owl (and a mouse hihi) and here on the farm we have owls too and they have my fascination big time. And I am the first one here who got it on camera.
The barn owl really stole my heart, his heartshaped face and his colours of autumn make it my favourite owl.
But yesterday I got a really big message about what the owl means... Of course we associate the owl with wisdom, but I know now there is much more to this beautiful bird and most of all I know why I have the owl in  my life so long. Let's say he kicked my ass that hard, I can not sit for a week...
This was his message:

Owl brings a deep changement on a soul level. He helps you to break with old patterns and helps you to get in contact with that part of you that will help can touch joy and happiness.

Nightcreatures like the owl represent the collective consiousness of menkind, the place of our true knowledge, mystery and magic. In our life we are not aware of these shy birds, but the call, hunt and look, when we are a sleep. We must be awake to understand them and than look at them, so than maybe we can understand theis wisdom.
When an owl crosses your way he predicts big things to happen, traditionally death, probarly the death of a way of life, there is an important passage going to happen. But don't be afraid. It will make a lot of good things happen.
When the owl came into your life, than life tells you that there are secret movements working there way to make good things to come. Just know it will come when the time is there.
You might wish for changement now and might be frustrated because nothing seems to happen. Owl tells you to relax and let the universe do the work for you.
Acting now is not good, just let it happen, because if you take action now you can disturb the way of the univserse. Don't think because you see nothing happening, that there is nothing happening!
Owl makes sure the right movement is happening now, that will bring the right changement in your life.

Working with the soul is digging in our own unconsiousness of the negative patterns inherited by our forfathers/mothers. Because we work with our soul we will run into pain, grieve and bad memories. Replacing the darkness in our soul for light, will help us to to connect with the creating powers of the universe who know our path and can soften it. The changement (and the happiness that comes with it), that the owl brings, is a special, joyfull interaction with yourself and others, that will lead you to deep inner peace in your intire being.

She wo speaks with Relations Goddess Doll (6th of February)

I had a creative moment and started to make Goddess Dolls again.
Of course the first one I made this year is inspired by the clanmother of January.
She who speaks with Relations.
In her colour orange, a jaspis-necklace and with her little fox friend :-)

And of course in the snow :-)

When you jump the universe jumps with you. (4th of february)

Sometimes when you jump into the deep it seems so scary. You don't know what will happen.
2 Days ago I jumped, I cut a cord, made a decision about my life that will be life changing.
I was very afraid and a lot of things kept lingering in my mind.
But than when I found myself in peace with my decision it seemed the universe supported my choice and I felt the universe jumped with me. Things fell in place. Solutions came and I feel happy.
So very happy.
I let love and magic back in my life and life keeps on suprising me.
And really I love it, my life in the here and the now.
With all the good things and the bad things.
But I can really say I feel blessed.

This morning in the garden......

She who speaks with Relations ( 3th of February, birds & winter magic)

Today the world covered itself in a white cloak. In just one hour the world was totally white and there for the birds came to look for food in our garden.

I love birds, they are magical and I love their energy. At the moment our garden gets invated by blackbirds and trushes. But also my robin came today together with a friend. So I enjoyed the morning with camera making pictures of the birds in the snow.

Trush looking for snails :-)

One of the many blackbirds.

My little robin friend.

But today I also finally played my flute. Together with my son I spend a wonderful moment playing it and I could really feel the sound of the flute soothing my soul. So more motivation to play more often and take the time to heal myself and enjoy this beautiful gift my loved one gave me.

But I also spend a little time outside today. I got myself some new boots, a warm fluffy coat and yesterday I got a late birthdaypresent, a warm scarf picked out with care, because the one who gave it to me, made sure it was in the colour of the clanmother of this month (orange).

All my warm stuff :-)

I wasn't really planning to go outside but for some time now I go to our barn everytime to see if the barnowls are there and I hope I can take a picture, but everytime when they see me, they fly in their giant birdhouse.

But when I came out of the shower this afternoon and dried my hair, my feeling told me to go outside with my camera because the owls would be there. And yes! there was one there!!!

I was so happy!! I could take photo's easily, so after some shots I went to my special place for a while and say thanks for this wonderful moment.

My place covered in snow.

And than got back inside where I got wonderful inspiration to draw an owl. And some ideas to make for my shop.

My drawn owl :-)

I can really feel I live more in the now and manage to first go in my own energy before I react on others or a situation. The bracelet is a good reminder because this clanmother teaches go to go first in your own energy before you can connect to others. And it really helps me to do it because when I go in my own energy first I can "scan" my feelings, energy etc before I react. Like that I can stay more calm, overthink my answers and learn to listen more to myself and to others.
Yes I really going forward, with little steps, but I enjoy  my surroundings with every step now, even the small steps, I feel more connected and more aware of everything.
Life is magical and I love it!