Change of seasons

Slowly autumn is upon us. I can smell it in the air, all the green is lesser green and more and more the land shows shades of yellow and brown.
The bumblebees feast on the last flowers. And everyday it seems like one summer colour is disappearing and makes place for the colours of autumn.
I have to say autumn is my favorite season. I love the colours, the weather, the mushrooms, the falling leaves, it leaves me with a feeling melancholy.
The cranes and all my little birds fly south and some animals prepare for hibernation.
Autumn is also the celtic feast of Mabon, also one of my favorites. The time of the havest.
The time of my beloved fox.





This time autumn not only brings the change of colours and weather for me, but also lets me in on a new chapter of my life.
I will go study, coming friday we will move to a new home, and my second son stops with school.
He would start a study for biology, but the idea of school had put him in such a depression that we had a long talk about it and made de desicion that this is the best for him now.

School is not the answer to all, and centrainly not for every child. At least those are my believes. I am 36 now and only now I found what I want to do in my life.
So i can not blame him for not choosing this road.
He wants to work and that is a good thing.
Also he still needs so much healing and we should give him time for that.

Life is about learning to find your happy place, loving yourself and that is not an easy job. I still struggle with it every day. My pain is a very deep one en build up since I was baby.
You just dont shed it off. I feel like a snake that is shedding her skin. It takes time to get in the new skin and shake the old one off.
But I have time and so does my son.

For now we take things step by step, try to find our way in this big world. Hand in hand, and sometimes by ourselves.

At least wherever I go, I do it wearing my fancy red shoes <3  

Grabbing the bull by the horns

For me starting new habbits is really hard. Not because I don't want but sometimes I just can not put myself to it.

Yesterday my husband used a healing technique to help solve some blockades. One of the blockades that my body wanted to solve was grieve and later self abuse. It was quit intense.

But today it made me somehow stronger in my will to go raw and also not to bullshit myself around.

I want to heal and for that I need to work. It is as simple as that.

Like it has to be, on my facebook I got an invite for a 30 day raw challenge. So I accepted to participate with the challenge. We have a garden full with fresh veggies and a forest full with blueberries and raspberries. So I should be able to get far.

For anybody interested in the challenge, you can find it here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/336404633465957/

What is also a thing for me is spirituality. I am a trained priestess of Avalon and the Goddess. I follow the old ways and nature is my church.

I do not make enough time to practice my skills, my believes and to heal myself in her care and love.

So for me it is a point to work on that too.

Today that starts with honouring the Goddess Ker, Goddess of the harvest and of lammas.

💓

She is a Goddess of abundance.

And in her abundance I will feed myself and honour my body with her blessing.

So far so good, you would say :-)

Love,

Nathalie

Tired of dying

Sometimes it's hard to explain what is going on inside of me. For a lot of people I am not sick because they can not see anything.

Only people close to me do understand a bit of how I feel and still than it is hard for them and easy to forget.

I always say to people just imagine, my body tells me I am pregnant and in the same time I am producing to much testosteron.... Not a great combi right?

When I first went to the hospital to see what was wrong with me it was because I lost my period. A doctor said it was normal after childbirth and that my ovaries were in hibernation. But after two years I thought it was a bit strange.

I had it before after my second child but after a year I got my period back. But this time I thought two years was a bit long. When I went to the hospital again, totally nervous because I expected a very uncomfortable examenation of my uterus, I was really suprised, or shocked really, that the doctor said, you have a pituitary tumor without even going near there. After bloodtests they gave me medication to get my period back.

And so the whole circus started. 

At the moment, my body is producing pregnancy hormones again, so my body is having this huge fight, I still get my period, but the pregnancy hormones are fighting it what makes it slow and painful and even more intense. This is a big sign that it is going wrong and that the tumor has grown.

Next to that I am producing breastmilk, but because it is a little, my milkglands get infected which results into breastinfections, which hurts like hell. Also the lymph nodes under my arm are swollen and so sensitive I can hardly lay on them.

Than there is the testosteron that works against the pregnancy hormones. The thyroid is being afected so he does not work well together with the pancreas which result in poor digestion and gaining weight. Also it gives me a carbohydrate intolerance so I get bloathed with everything I eat, belly pain and overgrowth of candida (i have a system candida by now :(   )

And as cherry on the cake i have headaches, I hardly sleep because lack of sleeping hormones, I am exhausted the whole day and the tumor presses on my eyenerve, causing to see blurry and gives a weird and painful feeling behind my eye.

Oh and I almost forgot, my adrenal glands are exhausted so I hardly produce any cortisol, so stress directly attacks my body.

A lot of days (most of them thank goodness) I can handle the fact that I am sick really well. But yesterday it got me bad. I felt so sad. Sad to be misunderstood, sad that I have this, sad that it is back again, sad that it causes me so much pain, sad that it takes away so much joy, sad that I can not remember how it felt to be healthy and energetic. It made me cry.

I do not want to feel like this, I do not want to battle this.

But I have no choice.

I have to fight it. I have to heal. Because I am done dying. I want to live, and I want it now!

I want to do the things I love, I want to embrace every piece of life, I want to be there for my children, I want to love, share, laugh, dance, sing, do crazy and love the shit out of myself.

Because I am an amazing woman! And an even better mother.

So depsite my sadness, my pain and this stupid tumor/cancer, I will not give up on life.

Actually it will make me live even more <3  

Started my running again

A month or 3 ago I started running again. But I deal with an achilles tendon inflammation every time which makes it difficult. I noticed this time that my achilles did not get inflamed because of running but because of strolling for two whole days.
I guess I am not the type of woman that strolls the whole day at a shopping mall ;-) And not just becauce of the inflammation.

But I am also not the type that gives up easily so this morning I thought it was time to put on my running shoes and get my game on.

It was raining, but I did not let that be a dealbreaker. My husband ran along with me which is nice for motivation. For him it must be really boring because he can run easily 10 kilometres without breaking a sweat and I am already happy to run 5 minutes without spitting up blood. Just to show you the difference hihi.
But I had a good run and was just in time inside before it complelty started to pour down on us.
Tomorrow is a rest day, so i will do some yoga or fitness.



Once back home I eat a big plate of watermelon. I did not manage to stay raw all day today. I still need to find my way with what to eat and not let guided by the rest of the family.
I still need to grow some strenght and leave the cooked food on the side. I did eat healthy stuff but my goal is raw, so better planning for tomorrow :D
I still have two big watermelons to feast on and that makes me happy.
So overall I did not have a bad day.

Love,
Nathalie

I can (be the) change

After months of not writing and going through so much. It is time to pick up my life again.

To really become the best version of myself.

My summer was hectic and crazy and learned me a lot. 

But also pushed me towards stepping up for myself and grab life by the balls and make things work, and make them work NOW.

I want to prove to myself that I can study, provide for my family, heal my pituitarycancer and rock my creativity! I know that sounds like a whole lot, but I know I can do it. And yes all in the same time. Because I am done dying, I want to live!

So these are the plans:

-The 29th of august I start my study, I need to up my level of Swedish so I can go to university to get my diploma as a kindergarten teacher.

-I will keep running, will do yoga and add strength training.

-I will addapt a raw vegan lifestyle so I can heal my pituitary cancer

-I will pick up my nail-art and continue "normal" art

-I will spend time in nature with my camera and start photographing wildlife again. I did this for so many years with so much pleasure and lost it along the way
-I want to learn to play violin

-I will keep a blog about all of this and will try to make vlogs as well.

At this moment I feel motivated, but I am also sick so I will need to find my way and be strong.

For people who are interested in knowing more about my sickness I advice to read this:

http://www.healthline.com/health/pituitary-tumor#overview1

http://www.cancer.net/cancer-types/pituitary-gland-tumor/symptoms-and-signs

I will write at least 3 times a week to keep you guys updated ^_^ 

I know, a lot of plans, but living feels so much better than dying ;-)

Love,
Nathalie

You can follow me on instagram as well, you find me as rawdutchyinsweden

Cutting the Cord

Al zo lang vraag ik me af waarom?
Wat maakt dat ik in jouw ogen niks waard ben?
Dat je me niks gunt?
Waarom behandel je me als vuil?
Waarom is het never nooit goed?

Ik ben boos op jou, boos om je verwaarlozing van mijn gevoelens.
Boos omdat je er niet was.
Boos omdat je me kapot heb gemaakt.
Boos om alle harde en kwetsende dingen die je hebt gezegd.
Boos om het breken van mijn leven en mijn wil om te leven.
Wat heb ik je ooit misdaan?

Maar ik snij je los.
Ik snij je uit mijn leven als je zou doen met een kankergezwel.
Jij zal niet langer mijn tumor zijn.
Ik zal niet meer onder jouw juk zijn. Onder jouw gemene woorden zijn.
Ik ben jouw dochter niet meer.

Ik laat je los.

Ik eis mezelf op, wie ik dan ook ben.
Zal een kunstwerk maken van alle scherven die jij achter liet.
En zal zorgen dat je het nooit zal kunnen zien.
Want nooit zal ik nog van jou zijn.

Ik laat je los.

Vergeven had ik je al, nu is het tijd om je te vergeten.

Ik laat je los.

Out of the forest

I stayed there so long. For about seven years. I am so used to my fox form, walking through the forest, sleeping like a little ball under the bushes. Always together with my male friend. That friend that I love so much. Who helped my through more dark clouds than I can even imagine, who stayed with me and loved me  for all who I am.

But yesterday things changed....We took a long walk in the forest. Way more long than we normally do. And from the forest we came into the dunes. The wind in my face, my nose smelling different smells, my fur being blown by the wind. I felt excitement, but in the moment that I felt the excitment I also felt this sadness coming over me. We came at the top of a dune and sit there together. Leaning against each other, cuddling and looking each other deeply in the eye. And I knew we had to say goodbye.

Tears fell from my eyes and I changed in my human form, and so did he. He told me it was time for the next step, time to leave the forest, and go to my true place and live my destiny on earth. He touched my face so sweetly, he would always be a part of me.
He told me a other man would take care of me. But that he would aways be close because he is a part of me. And than a playfull slap on my butt and I run. I feel this incredible happiness coming over me. I am naked, I feel the wind touch my skin and the sun kissing it. I look over my shoulder where he stands and I see him smiling, he's proud.

I run to the ocean, the first touch of water against my feet. I kneel, let the waves play with my body, feel the sand and the water...I cry, I feel home, eventhough I have no idea what will happen.
I look behind me again, he is still there, and encourages me to go further into the water.
So I do. I go more deep, and feel me taking a different form. Scales over my legs, a tale, I can swim, I am suprised, but still happy.
I smile, look back one more time, and see a little fox walking away, back to the forest, i blow a kiss and than dive into the deep. Following an acient song...a song that fills my heart. A song that hopefully soon will overshadow the pain of losing someone very dear to me.....