Sometimes it just hurts

After a really hard week I run into a piece of myself, a very very broken piece of me.

A little more than a week a go I became sick, first a nasty cold, turning into high fever with a lot of pain in my muscles. Problems at home did not make that any better and when there came more problems with the father of my two oldest children it became even worse. My spirit could not handle it anymore, so my body paid the price.
I feel sad, last thursday my second son became 11 years old, but I could not be there, no he's father thought it was even necesary to play a cruel joke on aswell me as his son that filled me heart with a lot of pain and put me really back in my fear.
And tomorrow my youngest son turns 6 and he will also be at his father. And I know he will have a wonderful day, but I feel like I do something wrong.
I was here alone trying to make the best of it, hanging up decorations, giving birthday presents, cooking something he liked. And even go with him to a kids indoor playground today. But this afternoon he did not feel well and now he has the same fever and muscle pain as me :( So giving him with his father was so hard for me. I know he will take really good care of him but I feel so powerless.

And than I just was listening some music online and ran into this song, heard it so many times but never saw this videoclip with it. The clip is from a movie called "de gelukkig huisvrouw" (the happy houswive) and is about post natal depression. And it touched me so much.


Because I had this three times. With my first son giving birth was very traumatic but I got through it, but I did it all alone, with no support from my boyfriend that time. The second time was so bad that even now I can not remember the first to years of my sons life and that makes me feel so terrible :( But even than I did it all alone. And eventhough my depression I still took care of my children the best that I could. And now it hurts me so bad that their father is acting like I never took care of them at all. And that hurts my soul so terribly. Because I ask myself, where were you when i was playing with them, feeding them, bading them, holding them, bring them to bed, playing outside with them etc etc. But he was never there, always sitting behind his stupid computer. This videoclip touched my inner pain, hidden for so long, so badly, that I cried for almost half an hour....
I am happy that I never had this with my daughter and that I at least got the change to experience being pregnant, giving birth, and the first period as something positive, something with love.
I will need some time to give this a place, because I never thought it was still something that hurted me so bad, but I got confronted with my loneliness so badly.....
I did it all alone....

This is me

Here I am this is me, there is no one else I rather be


I step outside, cold drups of rain touch my skin.
I let them do so, and with each drup I feel more alive.
In connection with all that is.
It makes me feel alive.

The aliveness I need so much.
I give away to much from my heart again and again.
I care too much, but someone wise told me once, caring too much? I think it is called love.
So maybe there is such thing as loving too much?
I don't know.

I am me, I am complicated, well that is what people think of me.
I love simple things, can be happy with almost nothing.
As long my heart can give, can be filled, can be real, can be me.

But my lessons are hard.
Sometimes I think when are my lessons done,
because I can not take another one....
Is it strange that I want love?
Want the joy of sharing and togetherness in my heart?

Or am I just ment to be left outside alone?
But even alone, I can only be me.
Apparantly people see my little me as a rebelic, annoying person, who tells the truth and spitting out her heart.
But why would I change?
Why would I pretend to be something I am not?
The more everybody says no, the more I want yes.
The more I want to prove I can.

Even for myself.
What I proved to myself lately?
That I am real, that I can take care of myself, that I am pretty, that my children are my joy, that I need animals around me, that I am normal because I speak to the unseen, that I am good because I am me.

I am free, and because I am free, I am where I have to be.
In my heart, there where love is all.....