Running and healing

Two times this week boyfriend gave me a sort of energetic healing. The first time, was a bit funny, my mind always goed everywhere so I asked, please talk to me, so my mind keeps in the same place. I fell a sleep :D I never slept so good since a long time. And the funny part all I heard him say was: Do you sleep and I know I said, no....hehehe
The second time was less fun, it was painfull, and I was happy it was over. But I know it was for letting things out. Still it is hard for me to say stop because I want to be strong.
Today was a terrible day. I have seen all of my city, because of school, work, babysitter, home, school and so on. I worked very hard and tried so hard not to loose my mind. Several times I asked myself, why am I doing this, why am I in this tredmill? Because apparantly I need to fit in now, not having a choice. Yes I have a choice, but the law and some people would not agree (such a shame though...)
Tonight I would go to the station to pick up 2 of my kids, but the trains didn't go. No solution to get them here and no I feel sooooo bad.
Because I know what my ex will say to my children and that makes me feel really bad.
And nevertheless I try so hard not to feel bad it doesn't work. I could not even allow myself to cry.
And no I sit on the couch, alone, afraid because I have to walk the dogs alone in the dark, and I am afraid of the dark. I have to sleep in an empty house, wich I am afraid of too, and I have to fight the demons in my head wich I have proven of lately that it does not go so well right now.
So even how hard I would try, I know I will have a very bad night and knowing I will see my ex tomorrow morning will not make it any better.
I try really hard not to think bad of myself right now, but it feels like my inner voice, my inner calm is letting me down...
Up we go, surviving this evening and night.....