She who weighs the truth

Weighs The Truth is the Mother of Truth, Self-determination, and Responsibility. She is the Protect-ress of the Underdog, the Fair Judge of Divine Law and the Destroyer of Deception. She teaches us how to find the ability to respond and be self-determined, to feed the positive over the negative, how to use equality with justice by being accountable for our actions and words, how to use personal integrity, ethics and values to find healing solutions. 

Written 23th of March 2011

I am at my place. I install myself and give some herbs and a gemstone to the spirits. I also give some skin of a snake and an angelbean. The skin because I want to shed my own skin and let go of the old and the bean for new life.On my way to my place I heard a woodpecker and even now when I am writing this. When I stopped to search for it, I forst so one and than another woodpecker came. They made love together and than flew off. A special moment.

I stare over the water and it looks lovely. Green mossy plaques are covering part of it, like beautiful fairy pillows. My place today in the circle is the south. The place for hope, trust, confidence, passion and compassion.... Typical at this moment...

All of the sudden I see a duck in the water in front of me, a female, all alone.Even that I am surrounded by so much beauty I feel empty and alone. I still can not believe the step that I made. I don´t feel strong of it, I still feel numb. But I know it ws the best for now. I want to fight for my children. I need to fight for them.

My attetion gets drawn by a sqeeky sound but when I look up I see a buzzard. Jean is here...and I can not help but smile.

I played my flute and feel the creatures. As I stopped playing I felt like a fairy myself, connected to nature...so close.. I can feel she never stands still but is always moving, my beautiful mother earth. I feel myself getting pulled out of my body, I can look at myself from a distance. Sitting in the autumn leaves, hair like fire in the sun, dressed in the colours of autumn. 2 Large butterfly wings on my back, also in earthly colours, copper, orange, brown, bronze and gold.

I sit there like a little ball. How can I fly again?

I feel so lost, but there i fit so well, so naturally... Love is all.... I can feel him coming behind me, put his arms around me, pulling me close.

Rest your head, he says, cry your tears. Here you are never alone.Wings of green, antlers on his head, his scent so familiar. So close and so far. A little owlet lands on my shoulder. For a moment not here for a moment complete.......I hear the drums it is time to come back, back into my body, back to the house.

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We have a petit lunch and than go to  big field of mossy grass where a big medicine wheel is spread out for us, with the four directions and a center.
We will do the ceremony with the pipe. Also know as the "pipe of peace" smoked by the native americans.
In each direction of the medicine wheel we will say prayers, say what we are gratefull for and give what we want to let go to the worry basket.
I am gratefull for a lot of things, and I pray for a lot too.
But I also let go a lot, a whole lot. And I can feel that even now. The ceremony does it's work. The energy still intense around me.
We took about 4 hours before finishing this ritual and than we go and eat.
But I still felt lost and wanted to get home as soon as possible. I needed to take my children, and wanted to see my beloved. I needed some arms to cry in. But once one, the tears could not get out.
I felt alone, misunderstood and so much more. I felt the group had let me down because nobody responded at my email. I felt like putting out a cry for help and got no answer :(
But that evening Lucia our teacher called me and I could tell her my story, how I felt and that gave me some air and made me feel better.

It is hard for me to ask for help. I was hard for me to pray for what I want but it was a relief to let so much go.

But now when I look back at the day I know my sisters were there that day, not by words at the moment that I wanted it the most, but with a song, singing it to me in the circle:

My sister, my sister, I pray for your courage, to do what you have to do for yourself....

And thinking back of that moment, gives me a lot of love and healing now, and that is what matters.

Lost and found?

I curl up next to my daughter, my body protective around her body.
Her little hand in mine. For one moment I feel lost, how on earth did the world forsaken me?
So many difficult choices, so many pain to work out, to face.
I she really all that I have?
I look at her and cry, my sweet little owlet, my heart.
I want the best for you, for your brothers but every choice I have in front of me seems bad.
I need rest, my body is broken and my spirit is about to break.
How can I hold on?
A tear rolls down face, I pray and take the hand of my little owl, Goddess protect us, give me strength, give me inner peace, give me love. Let all be fine, and soon please.
Please let me find the right way, please find me and take me where I got to be....

The creatures

Staying in connection with Mother Eart so consciously, makes that I see the creatures even more.

This creature was in the tree next to our farm :-) She is watching us from her place in the tree.

I do not know her story yet, maybe she will tell me before I leave here....

Broken Hearted

I have the heart-shaped stone in my hands. I think of my own heart. So broken, so hurt, so scared, but also filled with so much love. My life changed in so many ways and now it's almost for sure that I will move to Belgium. I tried everything to stay in the Netherlands, for myself, for my children, but I have no right on anything and I can not get a home here, I have no right on urgency for a house and have not enough income to rent something. So the only option left now is to go with my boyfriend to Belgium.
But that means I have to pay a high price again. Because my son wants to stay with his father. Eventhough it is in mine opinion it is better if he would go with me. But I also know it would break his fathers heart.
So what is it with following your heart is the best option? I don't know it anymore. I only know that if I would have stayed in my marriage I would die, I followed my heart and left, I fell in love. And now I feel broken hearted.
I want to try to understand the greater plan, I want to believe that everything will be allright.... but for now it feels like everything sucks, all is hard, and that there is no way out of this without hurt or pain. For me, for others. But deep down inside I know I made the best choice. And how everything will go, I really do not know. I think I entered one of the biggest adventures of my life and ready or not I have to face it now. It feels like jumping into the dark and that you have to believe that there are no sharp and pointy rocks at the bottom, and if there are, that I can fly over them.
Now more than ever I need to believe I can fly.

Between worlds

A weekend full with emotions, thinking, going back in lifes, worlds and feelings.
Last night I went to the beach. I love the feeling of going to the beach when it's dark. The lonely cry of the sea can calm my soul like nothing else. And yesterday it was also misty.
You could see nothing, but I saw everything. I was lost and found between the worlds.
And if I could walk into the sea, into the myst I would.

It's a feeling of ultimate loneliness, but in a positive way. I sang some songs for Manannán Mac Lir. I thougt about my spiritual travels going into the ocean as a selkie. And he teaching me the songs of the oceans, the stones hidden in the water, teaching me their wisdom. I prayed to Danu, to hold me and cradle me. To keep me safe. I begged Branwen to let me visions to be real, to heal my wounded soul.
I thougt about the visions I had and my worried heart.

Once home I thought about the conversation I had with one of my friends, I asked her for advice, because she is one of the few friends who can hear the voice of my heart when I can not hear it clearly myself anymore.
She wanted to pick me a card, but two fell out of the deck. One showed a picture of a woman sitting on a horse jumping from a cliff and the card said: I am in love with the adventure of life.
The second card said: I see my challenges as the highest goals in my life.
They hit me hard, and I could hear my heart scream out.... But I am afraid, I lock her out, because I am afraid for what I see.
Afraid for the joy of my own heart....

The days after.

Tired that is how I feel. Somehow the day had more impact on me than I expected. I touched something deep inside of me, and awakened some feelings. Today I spent some time finding the song that the women sang to me.
For some healing....

The Second Clanmother: Wisdom Keeper

Wisdom Keeper is the Protect-ress of Sacred Traditions, the Mother of Friendship, Planetary Unity and Mutual Understanding. She teaches us the art of self development and expansion, how to access Planetary Memory, personal recall, ancient wisdom and knowledge, to understand that every life form holds wisdom, how to be a friend and to restore friendship by honoring the viewpoints of all life forms. 

Today was the second circle of the clanmothers. I had been looking forward to it. After one moon of being busy with the first clanmother I could feel it was time to move on. I have taken the lessons from the first clanmother and keep them close to  my heart and with that feeling I left to the group today. I traveld most of the way together with my boyfriend. We had two rough days together, with a lot of talking that made clear both are hearts are so afraid to get hurt. So afraid of losing one another. So it was hard saying goodbye.


When I arrived at the station my friend Nancy was already waiting for me. For me comforting to keep my mind and my heart calm. We arrived early and got welcomed with hot tea, cookies and fire. A good welcome.
When everybody was there we got upstairs and opened the circle, we sang and than got outside to go to our place to connect with the second clanmother.


At my sacred place
The water is still covered with ice and yet I can feel the spring. The birds are singing. No death mouse this time at my place, pfew! But I did saw 2 times already 2 couples of "boomkruipers". Birds who will stay their whole lives together. A beautiful sign for two people who are that afraid. On the way in the train we also saw a field full with swans, monogamous birds also...
I have found my mate and would like to keep him. It will be fine.


I can feel the earth, the stones, their vibration low and deep. Their song...hummmmaaaaa, slowly, very low. Like breathing in and out. Hummmmmm...in....maaaaaa...out.
What do you want to know the stones ask me.
I don't know, is there and end?
No, they answer, and yes it will be fine daughter of the earth.
You also call me daugther of the ocean, fire child....?
You are her child and she is everything, and because of that so are you.


It becomes misty in front of my eyes, fairies dance on the water, I'm on the border, the edge of worlds, in between. Avalon is so close...
Lady, lady, part the mists for me...
Lady, lady, unveil your mystery.


I get my flute, close my eyes and play. I feel the creatures surrounding me, feel their energy, as I stop after playing a while, I can hear the drums, calling us back to the house... Did time went so fast?


I get up and get my stuff, give some cookies to the creatures and walk away from my place. I run into Nancy, I take her hand and we walk both back to the house. She tells me, next time when you play your flute, keep your audience with you! I laugh...somebody else noticed them too :-)


Back in the house we must pick out a stone with our eyes closed from the altar. We must connect with the stone and get to our deepest desire.My stone is heartshaped. Love.... Something that I am, something that is so important to me...Love.... THe stone felt cold at first, but gets more warm. Her song is high, like the purring of a cat but much higher. I hear giggling. Fairy energy telling me to feel the joy of my heart. Me deepest desire, to be love, give love, work with the horses. Love...the energy of the Robin. There he is again. After our meditation with the stone we tell about our experiences. When I tell mine about love, the horse and that I see all the stripes in the stone as scars. The sing for me.



How could anybody tell you that you are less than beautiful
How could anybody tell you that you are less than whole
How could nobody notice your love is like a miracle,deeply connected to your soul.


I can feel their love, feel my tears and can not let go. To afraid to get judged, rejected. So I swallow my tears and feel angry with myself. I feel stupid.


We go for lunch. A wren shows up. Sings for me. He is so pretty. So small yet king of all birds because he was so smart. He also makes me think inmediatly at Sorcha from the seven waters... Her love was almost impossible...but in the end everything turns out fine. She believed. She was his little owl, just like I am my boyfriends little bird and like Niiv is my little owl.
I feel my heart feel with warmth...it will be fine. Love is all. Love will win, not fear.


The rest of the afternoon I can not really remember, I remember emotions, and making the plate. Grey this time...


We get a new bead and close the circle. I feel tired and want to go home. I need to travel for more than a hour.
At the station my ex husband comes to pick me up to bring me home with my children. I am happy to see them and am happy to get home. I hug my daugther and bring her to bed.
The house is full of people, but it feels empty without my boyfriend and I feel stupid. Me, the independent woman, feel like a little girl missing her boyfriend...
I first call Nancy to tell her how I feel, that I feel like a pussy :(
She understands and that feels good. After that I call boyfriend, the talk is emotional. I feel my tears again, and again I can not let them go. He feels me. I try to explain my day, but it is hard, I'm full with emotions, with fear, I miss him and feel stupid about that.
But we have a good talk and I hang up the phone more calm.


I take my son to bed, and make tea. Together with my friend Gert I drink tea and have a good talk. That helps me get my feelings straight. After our talk I go to bed. Crawl next to my son. Tomorrow a busy day and I think to myself I wish it was monday... I wish him close to me.
I don't care about the feeling that I need him, I love him, I am allowed to feel safe with him and will be happy when he is back and feel like the little bird I am to him. Little, safe, protected and warm.
I will cry my tears than....