Tired of dying

Sometimes it's hard to explain what is going on inside of me. For a lot of people I am not sick because they can not see anything.

Only people close to me do understand a bit of how I feel and still than it is hard for them and easy to forget.

I always say to people just imagine, my body tells me I am pregnant and in the same time I am producing to much testosteron.... Not a great combi right?

When I first went to the hospital to see what was wrong with me it was because I lost my period. A doctor said it was normal after childbirth and that my ovaries were in hibernation. But after two years I thought it was a bit strange.

I had it before after my second child but after a year I got my period back. But this time I thought two years was a bit long. When I went to the hospital again, totally nervous because I expected a very uncomfortable examenation of my uterus, I was really suprised, or shocked really, that the doctor said, you have a pituitary tumor without even going near there. After bloodtests they gave me medication to get my period back.

And so the whole circus started. 

At the moment, my body is producing pregnancy hormones again, so my body is having this huge fight, I still get my period, but the pregnancy hormones are fighting it what makes it slow and painful and even more intense. This is a big sign that it is going wrong and that the tumor has grown.

Next to that I am producing breastmilk, but because it is a little, my milkglands get infected which results into breastinfections, which hurts like hell. Also the lymph nodes under my arm are swollen and so sensitive I can hardly lay on them.

Than there is the testosteron that works against the pregnancy hormones. The thyroid is being afected so he does not work well together with the pancreas which result in poor digestion and gaining weight. Also it gives me a carbohydrate intolerance so I get bloathed with everything I eat, belly pain and overgrowth of candida (i have a system candida by now :(   )

And as cherry on the cake i have headaches, I hardly sleep because lack of sleeping hormones, I am exhausted the whole day and the tumor presses on my eyenerve, causing to see blurry and gives a weird and painful feeling behind my eye.

Oh and I almost forgot, my adrenal glands are exhausted so I hardly produce any cortisol, so stress directly attacks my body.

A lot of days (most of them thank goodness) I can handle the fact that I am sick really well. But yesterday it got me bad. I felt so sad. Sad to be misunderstood, sad that I have this, sad that it is back again, sad that it causes me so much pain, sad that it takes away so much joy, sad that I can not remember how it felt to be healthy and energetic. It made me cry.

I do not want to feel like this, I do not want to battle this.

But I have no choice.

I have to fight it. I have to heal. Because I am done dying. I want to live, and I want it now!

I want to do the things I love, I want to embrace every piece of life, I want to be there for my children, I want to love, share, laugh, dance, sing, do crazy and love the shit out of myself.

Because I am an amazing woman! And an even better mother.

So depsite my sadness, my pain and this stupid tumor/cancer, I will not give up on life.

Actually it will make me live even more <3