Trying to understand myself

Sometimes you run into something that changes everything. Like for me this week when I read somebody's blog and with a smile on my face thought, hey I could have written this, it was raw and with a lot of emotion going up and down. I was happy to know that there were more people like me.
But going through every post she wrote, I came out with one where she explains she has a disorder.... And everthing she says applied to me too....
So a bit shocked I closed my laptop and thought yeah just coincidence....
But it kept lingering in my mind, so after some days I started looking up meer information about it. And regonized more and more.
So I crabbed all my courage and called my doctor for an appointment to talk about it. Because if I would have this, it would make so incredibly much clear to me.
So now I wait untill it's thursday and hopefully something comes out of it.
I getting to know myself more and more.

Little Fox with a big Dragon

There she sits, a little fox leans to a big dragon.
Big tears roll down her little fox face.
The dragon holds her big wing above her so she won't get wet by the rain.
Little raindrops fall in the lake before them and wrinkle the water.
Tell me your heart the dragon says.

Oh dragon she sniffs, I want to be loved.
To be loved for who I am.
I want to be somebody's moon and stars.
I always feel like I am not good enough.
Why can somebody not fall spontaniously in love with me?
Am I so strange or difficult?

The dragon sighs...
No little one you are not.
You are just a rare creature
Not everybody will see true you....

The little fox cried even louder.
I wish I could understand more why I am the way that I am..
You will, the dragon said, in time you will little one.
There are not many like you.
Still, the little fox snottered, I want to be loved for who I am.
I never knew it could all hurt so much, so deeply.
I feel like I can not trust my heart anymore, when normally she was my strongest thread in my life.
I am afraid, exhausted and I feel alone.

The dragon and the fox stayed a while like that together.
And after some time the little fox cried herself to sleep.
A man came, big strong, with the energy of the forest.
When the dragon saw him she gave him  little smile and opened a bit her wing so he could see the little fox.
He gave the dragon a small nod of understanding and than softly picked up the little fox.
Holding her to his warm body, keeping his strong arm around her to keep her safe.
He brought her to a safe place, a place where he took her before.

He sang when worked with her energy, petted her softly and put some oil of lavender between her eyes and the oil of orange on her sleeps.
Rest he said, my little beautiful one, don't you know that you are precious to me, to her, to all?
You have something special, and a special task.
I love you, YOU, just for being you.
I love every part of you and I always will. Think of that when you are alone and feel weary.

The little fox slowly opened her eyes, her head against his strong chest. His arm protective around her. His eyes like the brighstest stars.
Her hand softly found her way to his hand.
And for one moment she was free to breath, to feel loved, like the woman that she is.

Owner of a lonely heart

Fighting to be good enough, trying to believe that I am.
Knowing I am, but can not always admit it to myself.
Today I looked in the mirror. Two greengreyish eyes, wild red hair put up high for the heat, a bit colour on my face of the sun. Is that me?
I don't know sometimes anymore.
I think I am lost in myself so every now and than. doubting if I am good enough.
Thank Goddess I have my daughter, looking in her eyes makes me believe, make believe I am good enough.
She is my heart, she is the one who hold the broken pieces together.
Scattered in so many pieces...she holds every one of than.
I am so grateful for this little girl, this little shining light.
Both blessed in the love of her brothers, my sons.
The five of us are a team, unbreakable because of love.
They are all I have.

I Imagine

By this time there could have been an change you would have already born. 16th of August shoudl be my due date. No this day is coming closer I feel the pain of your loss more and more.
I see my little girl and see the pictures of his little boy. I wonder how you would have looked like. We both have strong genes as it seems.
I only have seen you like a little thingy on the sreen, so small, so tiny, moving around.
I wonder how you are doing, what you have become. For me you are a little star up in the sky, watching over us.
That idea keeps me strong and helps me to carry the pain.

Sometimes it just hurts

After a really hard week I run into a piece of myself, a very very broken piece of me.

A little more than a week a go I became sick, first a nasty cold, turning into high fever with a lot of pain in my muscles. Problems at home did not make that any better and when there came more problems with the father of my two oldest children it became even worse. My spirit could not handle it anymore, so my body paid the price.
I feel sad, last thursday my second son became 11 years old, but I could not be there, no he's father thought it was even necesary to play a cruel joke on aswell me as his son that filled me heart with a lot of pain and put me really back in my fear.
And tomorrow my youngest son turns 6 and he will also be at his father. And I know he will have a wonderful day, but I feel like I do something wrong.
I was here alone trying to make the best of it, hanging up decorations, giving birthday presents, cooking something he liked. And even go with him to a kids indoor playground today. But this afternoon he did not feel well and now he has the same fever and muscle pain as me :( So giving him with his father was so hard for me. I know he will take really good care of him but I feel so powerless.

And than I just was listening some music online and ran into this song, heard it so many times but never saw this videoclip with it. The clip is from a movie called "de gelukkig huisvrouw" (the happy houswive) and is about post natal depression. And it touched me so much.


Because I had this three times. With my first son giving birth was very traumatic but I got through it, but I did it all alone, with no support from my boyfriend that time. The second time was so bad that even now I can not remember the first to years of my sons life and that makes me feel so terrible :( But even than I did it all alone. And eventhough my depression I still took care of my children the best that I could. And now it hurts me so bad that their father is acting like I never took care of them at all. And that hurts my soul so terribly. Because I ask myself, where were you when i was playing with them, feeding them, bading them, holding them, bring them to bed, playing outside with them etc etc. But he was never there, always sitting behind his stupid computer. This videoclip touched my inner pain, hidden for so long, so badly, that I cried for almost half an hour....
I am happy that I never had this with my daughter and that I at least got the change to experience being pregnant, giving birth, and the first period as something positive, something with love.
I will need some time to give this a place, because I never thought it was still something that hurted me so bad, but I got confronted with my loneliness so badly.....
I did it all alone....

This is me

Here I am this is me, there is no one else I rather be


I step outside, cold drups of rain touch my skin.
I let them do so, and with each drup I feel more alive.
In connection with all that is.
It makes me feel alive.

The aliveness I need so much.
I give away to much from my heart again and again.
I care too much, but someone wise told me once, caring too much? I think it is called love.
So maybe there is such thing as loving too much?
I don't know.

I am me, I am complicated, well that is what people think of me.
I love simple things, can be happy with almost nothing.
As long my heart can give, can be filled, can be real, can be me.

But my lessons are hard.
Sometimes I think when are my lessons done,
because I can not take another one....
Is it strange that I want love?
Want the joy of sharing and togetherness in my heart?

Or am I just ment to be left outside alone?
But even alone, I can only be me.
Apparantly people see my little me as a rebelic, annoying person, who tells the truth and spitting out her heart.
But why would I change?
Why would I pretend to be something I am not?
The more everybody says no, the more I want yes.
The more I want to prove I can.

Even for myself.
What I proved to myself lately?
That I am real, that I can take care of myself, that I am pretty, that my children are my joy, that I need animals around me, that I am normal because I speak to the unseen, that I am good because I am me.

I am free, and because I am free, I am where I have to be.
In my heart, there where love is all.....

Going through layers, getting back my soul

I finally have my own place back. After 7 months of having no home it feels really well to be back at my own place...well it feels strange, difficult. I am very happy to have a place for my own again, but when I got here, oh it hurted so bad. I could see how much pain that I had been through, how far my soul was gone.
I missed my dogs in the house, not to see their happy faces was also very hard. The first 3 days I could not do anything, I felt so numb. My boyfriend and my 2 of my best friends have been cleaning a lot. Everythime when I trief to do something I blocked, felt my pain, felt my grieve, felt the confrontation for the years of misery.
But I kept trying, with little things, making food, buying the things that we needed.
When the kitchen was cleaned I could paint a wall, and than a wall in the living room. This morning I already felt better, could feel more peace. But it goes with ups and downs.
Boyfriend just give me tasks to do everytime and that work really well for me, because I can not see through the layers where he can. So he helps me, helps me really good.
Bit by bit I am getting more pieces back of my soul.
I really need to stay in the here and the now. Taking baby steps.
But I will get there :-) With a little help :-)