She who speaks with Relations (First day of the training)

"She who speaks with Relations is the first teacher in the cycle. She is the Mother of Nature and the Planetary Family. She teaches us how to understand the unspoken Languages of Nature, our kinship with all life forms, how to enter the Sacred Spaces of others with respect, how to honor cycles, rhythms, and changes of season and weather, and how to meld with the life force and rhythms in all dimensions to learn the Truth of each thing in our World."

Today is the day, I need to get up early to get my stuff and get to the train. But I don't mind, i am really looking forward to do this. But of course there happens something that is stressing me out completly. I need to make an appointment for my oldest son, to pick him up and my ex don't answer his phone so I am really worried how to take care of this, because i can not pick up my phone during the training.
And after sending a sms and calling again in the train and not getting an answer I am also getting angry. Great, my day started fine, but when I am in de train I feel like shit.

After one and half hour of traveling I arrive at the station. My friend who also does the training awaits me and together we walk to a beautiful location in de forest. And for once we don't get lost. Hooray for us!

When we arrive a fire is burning and I am very grateful for that because of course I am cold (as always). I warm myself att he fire and put on my snowboots that my friend brought me. We get some hot tea and of course I need to make a phonecall. Luckely the others are not there yet and I call my ex again, but he pushes me away. So my anger gets a bit bigger...ggrrr
I call a good friend and he wants to help me out and will call my ex for me when I am in the training. I feel a bit more calm.

After a hour everybody is finally there and we get inside and open a circle. For me opening the circle not myself and with the help of drums is a complete new experience and I enjoy it a lot. The forst thing I notice that I feel calm in the group. The energy is soft and gentle.
We also sing and do a very beautiful ritual to connect to each other. For me a ritual that set tears to my eyes. Not very easy to do ;-)
We connected to Mother Earth and to the universe. In my meditation to connect to Mother Earth I see myself tie my spiritual cord to a heartshaped stone. It gives me the feeling she loves me.
I feel my center lies in my womb and I feel the loss my child. And everytime we need to connect to our center I feel myself getting pushed in this pain.... Not a nice feeling.

After spending some time inside we all must find a place in the forest. A place that will be our own holy space for the next year. So i dress myself very warm and up I go, into the forest. I find myself a lovely place near some water, beneath some pine trees.We got the task to connect to our place, the clanmother and bring something from our place back to the house. I am content with my place, less happy I am with the dead mouse I find near my place. I think I disturb an owl with his catch, because the mouse looks "fresh" and only got one bite out of it. When I look at the mouse he looks so helpless to me... I leave him there and get back under my tree. Of course I can not concentrate and I take a look at my phone because I want to be sure I can pick up my son tonight. I call my friend, he tells me all is okay, but still I also call my ex to really be sure all is fine. And thank Goddess all is fine. Now I can finally sit and relax...well I think. Because my mind get drawn to the mouse again...damn!
I go back to the mouse, shall I take it with me? My mind says, are you completly crazy. My heart says don't be a pussy. I get back to my place again and try to think of something else. I overlook the water and think of a moment that I was at the Solse Gat with my friend and we both saw fairies dancing on the water. I feel the same energy here now. But thinking of my friend, I think of the mouse again. My friend is very comfortable with dead animals and taking parts from it. So I think again that I should take the mouse. I think it is a beautiful offer of the owl. It shows me sometimes things should die first before they can be reborn first. So I decide to take the mouse. Silently I walk to my friend and ask if she has a bag, but no. So my mind tells me inmediatly now you don't have to take it. But when I walk back I find myself a platic bag...shit now I HAVE to take it. So with two sticks I place the mouse on the plastic bag and put it in my bag. Now I feel finally relaxt.
I breath and stare over the water. The last element I need to work through. I need to drown first before I can reborn. I realize that I want to controle a lot of things. Normally I controlled most things in my life, but now that I let go of everything there is not much to control anymore and I realise I grab everything I can grab to hold on to, to have control in my life. And today was the same with my ex and my son. And I know why I do it, because in this case if I don't do it, my ex just let it pass by because he just don't cares. But I realised I need to let things go a bit more. I need to trust more that all will be fine. Without me trying to control it all.

I lean into my tree and I feel my womb again. I can feel my pain, I can feel how hard I am to myself. I don't allow myself to have pain. So long I needed to survive, that showing pain, letting in pain, was weakness in my eyes. But now I see I need my pain to heal myelf. Only by recognizing my pain, embracing my pain, I can heal it.
I stare a bit more over the water and than all of the sudden a beautiful grey horse runs across the other side, no amazone on it, no saddle just the horse. I feel completly in awe.... The horse is one of my poweranimals and I feel blessed to see her here. Grey as the myst.

And a smile reaches my face. In a while I hear the drums calling are back to the house. I stand up, thank the spirits and go back.

We have a wonderful lunch and after lunch we talk about our time in the forest and what we found. I make a good entry with dead mouse LOL
We sing, we meditate and after that we create a plate. We must put our experiences of that day on the plate. The plate has the colour of the clanmother of january, orange.
Of course I make a mouse on it :-)
This was my plate:

My mouse, the Goddes, the moon, owl feathers, a seashell and a little white stone I also find at my place.
I am happy with the result.

After the training, I went back home in the dark, with the moon lighting my way.
Of course I picked up my son in my way back. And finally back home I was happy to hold my man, see my children and have some food! I look forward to day two and will work this clanmother everyday. I will make a holy place outside here too, like that I can connect more easily I hope.
It was a great day full with love compassion, warmth, softness and respect.
I feel blessed.