I Imagine

By this time there could have been an change you would have already born. 16th of August shoudl be my due date. No this day is coming closer I feel the pain of your loss more and more.
I see my little girl and see the pictures of his little boy. I wonder how you would have looked like. We both have strong genes as it seems.
I only have seen you like a little thingy on the sreen, so small, so tiny, moving around.
I wonder how you are doing, what you have become. For me you are a little star up in the sky, watching over us.
That idea keeps me strong and helps me to carry the pain.

Sometimes it just hurts

After a really hard week I run into a piece of myself, a very very broken piece of me.

A little more than a week a go I became sick, first a nasty cold, turning into high fever with a lot of pain in my muscles. Problems at home did not make that any better and when there came more problems with the father of my two oldest children it became even worse. My spirit could not handle it anymore, so my body paid the price.
I feel sad, last thursday my second son became 11 years old, but I could not be there, no he's father thought it was even necesary to play a cruel joke on aswell me as his son that filled me heart with a lot of pain and put me really back in my fear.
And tomorrow my youngest son turns 6 and he will also be at his father. And I know he will have a wonderful day, but I feel like I do something wrong.
I was here alone trying to make the best of it, hanging up decorations, giving birthday presents, cooking something he liked. And even go with him to a kids indoor playground today. But this afternoon he did not feel well and now he has the same fever and muscle pain as me :( So giving him with his father was so hard for me. I know he will take really good care of him but I feel so powerless.

And than I just was listening some music online and ran into this song, heard it so many times but never saw this videoclip with it. The clip is from a movie called "de gelukkig huisvrouw" (the happy houswive) and is about post natal depression. And it touched me so much.


Because I had this three times. With my first son giving birth was very traumatic but I got through it, but I did it all alone, with no support from my boyfriend that time. The second time was so bad that even now I can not remember the first to years of my sons life and that makes me feel so terrible :( But even than I did it all alone. And eventhough my depression I still took care of my children the best that I could. And now it hurts me so bad that their father is acting like I never took care of them at all. And that hurts my soul so terribly. Because I ask myself, where were you when i was playing with them, feeding them, bading them, holding them, bring them to bed, playing outside with them etc etc. But he was never there, always sitting behind his stupid computer. This videoclip touched my inner pain, hidden for so long, so badly, that I cried for almost half an hour....
I am happy that I never had this with my daughter and that I at least got the change to experience being pregnant, giving birth, and the first period as something positive, something with love.
I will need some time to give this a place, because I never thought it was still something that hurted me so bad, but I got confronted with my loneliness so badly.....
I did it all alone....

This is me

Here I am this is me, there is no one else I rather be


I step outside, cold drups of rain touch my skin.
I let them do so, and with each drup I feel more alive.
In connection with all that is.
It makes me feel alive.

The aliveness I need so much.
I give away to much from my heart again and again.
I care too much, but someone wise told me once, caring too much? I think it is called love.
So maybe there is such thing as loving too much?
I don't know.

I am me, I am complicated, well that is what people think of me.
I love simple things, can be happy with almost nothing.
As long my heart can give, can be filled, can be real, can be me.

But my lessons are hard.
Sometimes I think when are my lessons done,
because I can not take another one....
Is it strange that I want love?
Want the joy of sharing and togetherness in my heart?

Or am I just ment to be left outside alone?
But even alone, I can only be me.
Apparantly people see my little me as a rebelic, annoying person, who tells the truth and spitting out her heart.
But why would I change?
Why would I pretend to be something I am not?
The more everybody says no, the more I want yes.
The more I want to prove I can.

Even for myself.
What I proved to myself lately?
That I am real, that I can take care of myself, that I am pretty, that my children are my joy, that I need animals around me, that I am normal because I speak to the unseen, that I am good because I am me.

I am free, and because I am free, I am where I have to be.
In my heart, there where love is all.....

Going through layers, getting back my soul

I finally have my own place back. After 7 months of having no home it feels really well to be back at my own place...well it feels strange, difficult. I am very happy to have a place for my own again, but when I got here, oh it hurted so bad. I could see how much pain that I had been through, how far my soul was gone.
I missed my dogs in the house, not to see their happy faces was also very hard. The first 3 days I could not do anything, I felt so numb. My boyfriend and my 2 of my best friends have been cleaning a lot. Everythime when I trief to do something I blocked, felt my pain, felt my grieve, felt the confrontation for the years of misery.
But I kept trying, with little things, making food, buying the things that we needed.
When the kitchen was cleaned I could paint a wall, and than a wall in the living room. This morning I already felt better, could feel more peace. But it goes with ups and downs.
Boyfriend just give me tasks to do everytime and that work really well for me, because I can not see through the layers where he can. So he helps me, helps me really good.
Bit by bit I am getting more pieces back of my soul.
I really need to stay in the here and the now. Taking baby steps.
But I will get there :-) With a little help :-)

Clanmother : Look far Woman

Looks Far Woman is the Mother of Visions, Dreams and Psychic Impressions, the Guardian of Dreamtime and the Keeper of Inner Potential. She teaches us how to understand our visions, dreams, feelings and impressions, how to enter Dreamtime, how to properly use our natural psychic abilities and gifts of prophecy for humanity, how to use spiritual boundaries, psychic self-defense, and how to respect those boundaries in others, and how to use our inner potential to become "healed healers". 

I got to bed, tired, sad, I don't want to understand anything anymore.

I curl up and close my eyes. Immediately fox is there. I find myself at a big gate, a sort of portal. It looks likes there is only universe, I see the moon, stars, colours, rainbows, it's a lot and I get down on my knees. I remember the story of the clanmother, the girl being raped by the hunters, brought to the clanmother by her brother.

I now I am there, at the portal of dreamtimes, raped, not physical, but my soul is raped. I feel broken, alone, wounded. Against my face the soft nose of fox. It is always him who is there, helping me and leading me.

I can feel my pain so clear, so intense, but still no tears come down from my eyes. Tears are the blood of the soul, tears are the pearls of the soul, tears are words that need to be written....

I heard it all....but I lay there just feeling that intense pain. Fox encourages me to come with him and slowly I stand up. He wants me to go through the gate, I just don't care anymore, I feel lost, alone, in pain. So I follow without thoughts, my mind empty. And when I step through the gate I don't know anything anymore.

I wake up with only this as a memory. I think I am still there, that the story will continue. My soul is in the dreamtime, in the arms of Looks Far Woman.

Today I can not go to the training, I will have to face this clanmother alone. Maybe for a reason, I don't know.

I feel empty, my eyes look glazy, I can feel part of me is not here. But I trust fox to where he leads me, he will take care of my soul.

She who is finding herself back

I left the farm were I was living. I am now at a friend waiting to get back to my house. Just two weeks to go. It has been very hard not having my own place for the last 7 months. But oh my Goddess what did I learn a lot. Now that I am here at my friend I feel like I can breathe again, slowly my mind gets more at ease. My body on the other hand is letting the stress out in a whole different way, with a whole lot of infections, like for instant my eyes... I look like dracula with my red eyes...and my candida is having big party's at the moment.  But to help my body a bit I am eating very healthy and let go of all sugar and yeast. Normally I rarely ate that, but at the farm I didn't had much choice and my body got really sick...so it is not very strange that it is all coing out at the moment. But I am taking good care of myself.
I feel blessed with the help of my friends although it still feels hard for me to accept it.
I notice that I grew a lot, I dare more, know myself better, no what I want and what I don't want. I can also notice I feel better because I started cleaning again. Maybe a strange example but believe me when you feel bad, you care less about cleaning and stuff. But now I feel that the little cleaning freak that lives within me is coming out again hihi.
More and more I find pieces of myself back again. Some pieces lost long ago, some pieces not missing so long but deperatly needed to stay strong.
I found back the lover, the mother, the innocent me, feminine me, the playing me, my inner child, courageous me, sweet me, so many things I lost. So many things found back, so many things healed.
It doens't mean that everything is okay now, I still have a way to go. Much healing to do and some difficult things to find back. But I feel more strong, more complete, more confident in what is coming.
I learned that I am not alone I am surrounded in so many ways.
I feel blessed and know even more that love is all :-)

For just once

Run your fingers through my soul.
For once, just once,
feel exactly what I feel,
believe what I believe,
perceive as I perceive,
look, experience, examine,
and for once,
just once,
Understand