Everything goes in ups and downs. I try to make the best of it. The strange thing is, now that I know I am bi polaire I regonize more and more, my moods going down. The frustrating is that I can do nothing about it and I can not pull the brake (yet).
Luckely I had a good weekend. I've been outside a lot, eat a lot of healthy and yummy things, had a lot of good talks, meet interesting people, got motivating ideas and nice invitations. So good things to think about.
I am happy to boyfriend starts to understand that I am sick. That I can not do anything about my moods and that I am not like that on purpose. He takes the time for me. I can now say I feel bad, or I feel my mood going down and I am so grateful and happy he can handle me in those moments. Because he doesn't put me down. He puts a arm around me, talks to me and tries to make my laugh. Eventhough he knows that does not always work.
He keeps on eye on me and takes care of me even when I can be a little bitch. So I feel blessed with this love.
Tomorrow work will start again and all the other things of every day life. Not my favourite things, but I know there is a wind of change in the air so I just take life as it comes, day by day. Like that I can handle it more and my mind stays more calm.
Hopefully this week I get my appointment for therapy so when can go some steps further again.
We'll just keep on waiting.
But for now hot tea, lots of hugs and than some good sleep :-)
zondag 9 september 2012
woensdag 5 september 2012
Survial part 2
Last night I felt so damn empty.... the house was silent and I felt really a bit lost. When boyfriend came online I tried really hard not to be pissed or angry, and eventhough I did not say anything bad, my mind was trying hard not to spit out wat I felt.
Because I felt alone, afraid and forsaken.
When I went to bed after walking the dogs, my little girl woke up. I took her with me and finally after two hours I fell a sleep. And only slept for a short while because little girl woke up again and again.
So for now I already feel completly dead.
But the dogs took their morning walk, little girl her breakfast and now I feel like, now what?
A lot of stupid things to do that have to be my life from now on.... goodie....
Because I felt alone, afraid and forsaken.
When I went to bed after walking the dogs, my little girl woke up. I took her with me and finally after two hours I fell a sleep. And only slept for a short while because little girl woke up again and again.
So for now I already feel completly dead.
But the dogs took their morning walk, little girl her breakfast and now I feel like, now what?
A lot of stupid things to do that have to be my life from now on.... goodie....
Ultimate survival
He is gone. For a month or so. And I am alone.
And I feel complete panic. I finally know that I am sick, I am trying to find my way with that, find it hard to accept, I must search for a new house and so much more and than like lighting crashes he is gone.
Today is my first day, I try to see it as a test, how good I will handle and if it is possible not to lose my mind.
So how did this day so far. The morning was okay, boyfriend was still home, we had breakfast, he walked the dogs and I brought my son to school.
Once back he started to pack his bag. I hated it. Because putting everything in there for me was torture, knowing he would be really going for so long.
I try to understand why faith makes me suffer, but I can find no reason.
He got me some money so I could eat, I walked the dogs and than woke up my daughter so she and me could go pick up her brother from school.
En this moment was also the terrible moment of goodbye. I just stand there like stone, afraid if I would say something, or show any emotions I would burst out in tears. So I swallowed my tears and walked away with my little girl in the buggy. Trying not to look back.
And so I went to school, my mind completly in shock, making over hours how the hell I would ever manage this. And after 20 minutes or so, I just turned numb.
I picked up my son and we took quite a long trip through the city. I bought the kids a donut, looked around here and there and went home.
Once home me and my son painted a robot while the little girl was eating grapes in her chair.
I wonder around the house and my heart feels empty. I already miss him.
I guess it is time to cook. This night I will pick up a car for behind my bike. So it will be more easy to take this kids everywhere with me. (I hope)
And than it will be silent here.....
And I feel complete panic. I finally know that I am sick, I am trying to find my way with that, find it hard to accept, I must search for a new house and so much more and than like lighting crashes he is gone.
Today is my first day, I try to see it as a test, how good I will handle and if it is possible not to lose my mind.
So how did this day so far. The morning was okay, boyfriend was still home, we had breakfast, he walked the dogs and I brought my son to school.
Once back he started to pack his bag. I hated it. Because putting everything in there for me was torture, knowing he would be really going for so long.
I try to understand why faith makes me suffer, but I can find no reason.
He got me some money so I could eat, I walked the dogs and than woke up my daughter so she and me could go pick up her brother from school.
En this moment was also the terrible moment of goodbye. I just stand there like stone, afraid if I would say something, or show any emotions I would burst out in tears. So I swallowed my tears and walked away with my little girl in the buggy. Trying not to look back.
And so I went to school, my mind completly in shock, making over hours how the hell I would ever manage this. And after 20 minutes or so, I just turned numb.
I picked up my son and we took quite a long trip through the city. I bought the kids a donut, looked around here and there and went home.
Once home me and my son painted a robot while the little girl was eating grapes in her chair.
I wonder around the house and my heart feels empty. I already miss him.
I guess it is time to cook. This night I will pick up a car for behind my bike. So it will be more easy to take this kids everywhere with me. (I hope)
And than it will be silent here.....
maandag 3 september 2012
Listening
Listening to the dark voice inside. Telling me I am not good enough and never will be. I can only make people unhappy. People only get unhappy when they are with me. I am not a person to love apparantly. People always need to run away from me. I am too much. Too much trouble, too much problems, too many children. My love is killing, never enough.
My body repulsive, ugly, I am not able to take care of it, use it in the good way.
Everything I do, I do wrong.
I am nothing, born out of fighting couple, born in a world gone cold.
So cold, so dark.
I live to survive, one day at the time, hoping it will end one day...
My body repulsive, ugly, I am not able to take care of it, use it in the good way.
Everything I do, I do wrong.
I am nothing, born out of fighting couple, born in a world gone cold.
So cold, so dark.
I live to survive, one day at the time, hoping it will end one day...
Sometimes
Sometimes I hear your voice. Hear the sweet things you say to me.
I wonder if it is real, if all will come true what you tell me.
I hope...
Because sometimes I feel I can not take anymore.
I wonder if it is real, if all will come true what you tell me.
I hope...
Because sometimes I feel I can not take anymore.
zaterdag 1 september 2012
Taking care of myself
The first step was going to the doctor. I know now for sure I am bi polair with an anxiety disorder. Step 2 will be waiting for a letter to get an appointment for a therapist. And further more take good care of myself. For me this means eat healthy and sport. Two things that are at the moment very difficult for me. In the future I will proberly get cognitive therapy and maybe medication.
I so wish I could get therapy with horses again, but I can not afford it :( I feel really bad about that because untill now that works the very best for me.
I also hope I can find some good body awareness training.
Further more my boyfriend works with me with breathing exercise and energy healing and that brings a bit calm.
So a lot of tools, but still not really handles to grab and work with, what makes the rollercoaster still going up and down again and again and very very fast.
I think I will attack a kiwi...that's healthy....
I so wish I could get therapy with horses again, but I can not afford it :( I feel really bad about that because untill now that works the very best for me.
I also hope I can find some good body awareness training.
Further more my boyfriend works with me with breathing exercise and energy healing and that brings a bit calm.
So a lot of tools, but still not really handles to grab and work with, what makes the rollercoaster still going up and down again and again and very very fast.
I think I will attack a kiwi...that's healthy....
Within Temptation - All I Need
I'm dying to catch my breath
Oh why don't I ever learn?
I've lost all my trust,
though I've surely tried to turn it around
Can you still see the heart of me?
All my agony fades away
when you hold me in your embrace
Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe
Don't tear me down
You've opened the door now, don't let it close
I'm here on the edge again
I wish I could let it go
I know that I'm only one step away
from turning it around
Can you still see the heart of me?
All my agony fades away
when you hold me in your embrace
Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe
Don't tear it down, what's left of me
Make my heart a better place
I tried many times but nothing was real
Make it fade away, don't break me down
I want to believe that this is for real
Save me from my fear
Don't tear me down
Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe
Don't tear it down, what's left of me
Make my heart a better place
Make my heart a better place...........
Abonneren op:
Posts (Atom)