Full moon meditation

It is around two in the morning when I got awakened by the light of the moon. I open the curtains and see her in the sky. I bath in her light and think about the the fact that we should all meditate this night. In the beginning of the night I had no time. My daughter would not sleep and when she finally fell a sleep,  was gone too.
But I guess Mother Moon called me. So I sit on the bed of my son. And I look at all my children sleeping around me. Their faces like little angels. Their breathing calms me.
I look at the moon and think of the clanmother She who weighs the truth. I realise that the truth comes in many forms and is different to many people.
So when is something the truth and when a lie? And is not saying something a lie, or just not telling everything in the best interest of another person (or not in the best interest of course that is also a possibility)?
I think of the story of the clanmother, she had the difficult task to solve a problem between two women. Two women who both had their own truth.
I think of my marriage and my upcoming divorce. Both my  husband an me saw things in different ways. He was happy and I was not. He thought he gave me all the love in the world and I thought I did not get love at all. Both have a different story, a different view...is that wrong I think? And why I think...
But I don't have the answers to that. I happened and we are separated right now. I have a new relation and he also has a new woman in his life. And also in this case we both see things different.
So again who deceides what is the truth? I think it is in the eye of the beholder. It depends on emotions, clearity and so much more I think.
But it is okay.
I let the moon full up my soul and look and my children, I learned that the small things in my life are my biggest treasures. That love is my biggest treasure, for me the truth, for another maybe not...
I realise I am a happy person even though all the problems in my life. I am connected again with the stream of life, the stream of counciousness.
I wave at the moon, like that I wave at my clansisters and my beloved.

I am happy with the truth and love in my heart.

Special moments

When I curl up in my bubble in the corner of the bed and you pull me from my corner close to you.
When I cross my arms over my body and lock myself off and you softly open my arms to hold me.
When I run outside in emotions and you cry because you can not find me.
When I say no and you see my yes.
When I cry in the shower and you feel me and come upstairs under de shower with your clothes on to hold me.
When I am sad and you make your "serious" face to make me laugh.
When you say you love my hair and in the same time fight with it.
When I dance to see you smiling and that you deceide to dance with me.
When I cook that you always love it and compliment me, so I want to make more for you.
That you always push me to be me.
That you never hold me down.
That you call me your little bird.
That you play with me like children would play.
That you can show me the stars.
That you encourage me to grow.
That you correct me with softness and teach me us instead of me.
That you show me the beauty of "us".
That when you look at me that I can not help but notice that you really stole my heart and make me realise I am whole again.

Understanding lessons.

Last week was an intense week. The father of the friend were I am living was found uncounsious in his home. The way it is looking now it is most likely he will die. I have been to to lawyer to make arrangements for my divorce and today my boyfriend left to Belgium to get back at work in the army. Eventhough I like him a lot with his militairy look, i was not happy to see him go.
But it was also a week of understanding lessons. This week I found out why I am here. Why I did not go or could not go to other friends.
I have always been very insecure about being a mother, handling it all alone. And I had a strong desire to prove to everybody that I could do it alone.
I realised that coming here, and all the things happened make that I feel really secure right now about being a mother and about being alone and doing it myself.
Of course I got help, but still I took care of 6 children (some weekends 8) , 2 adult men, a bunch of animals and a farm. And I am pretty good at it. My confidence have grown so much that I have no worries of taking care of my children alone, or keeping a household by myself.
I have overcome a fear! And I am so proud of that!
It might have been (and still is) very hard, and there were certainly moments I thought of giving up. But I feel really strong right now! I am a good mother, and I can handle it all by myself :-)
I also learned to keep faith no matter what, the importance of friendship and most of all the importance of love.
I will see my boyfriend again in 12 days, a long time and I am already missing him and will even going to miss him more in the next days. But I know it is okay now, I am not afraid to lose him, not afraid I can not handle it, I know I can do it.
My future will be a beautiful one. Soon I can go back to my home in Leiden, and will have the change to find a new home. I secretly hope with a little garden. The children will be able to go see their father a lot. I can still reach my other children easily and things will calm down after a long time of big storms and thunderclouds. I am free and because of that I am exactly where I got to be.

She who weighs the truth

Weighs The Truth is the Mother of Truth, Self-determination, and Responsibility. She is the Protect-ress of the Underdog, the Fair Judge of Divine Law and the Destroyer of Deception. She teaches us how to find the ability to respond and be self-determined, to feed the positive over the negative, how to use equality with justice by being accountable for our actions and words, how to use personal integrity, ethics and values to find healing solutions. 

Written 23th of March 2011

I am at my place. I install myself and give some herbs and a gemstone to the spirits. I also give some skin of a snake and an angelbean. The skin because I want to shed my own skin and let go of the old and the bean for new life.On my way to my place I heard a woodpecker and even now when I am writing this. When I stopped to search for it, I forst so one and than another woodpecker came. They made love together and than flew off. A special moment.

I stare over the water and it looks lovely. Green mossy plaques are covering part of it, like beautiful fairy pillows. My place today in the circle is the south. The place for hope, trust, confidence, passion and compassion.... Typical at this moment...

All of the sudden I see a duck in the water in front of me, a female, all alone.Even that I am surrounded by so much beauty I feel empty and alone. I still can not believe the step that I made. I don´t feel strong of it, I still feel numb. But I know it ws the best for now. I want to fight for my children. I need to fight for them.

My attetion gets drawn by a sqeeky sound but when I look up I see a buzzard. Jean is here...and I can not help but smile.

I played my flute and feel the creatures. As I stopped playing I felt like a fairy myself, connected to nature...so close.. I can feel she never stands still but is always moving, my beautiful mother earth. I feel myself getting pulled out of my body, I can look at myself from a distance. Sitting in the autumn leaves, hair like fire in the sun, dressed in the colours of autumn. 2 Large butterfly wings on my back, also in earthly colours, copper, orange, brown, bronze and gold.

I sit there like a little ball. How can I fly again?

I feel so lost, but there i fit so well, so naturally... Love is all.... I can feel him coming behind me, put his arms around me, pulling me close.

Rest your head, he says, cry your tears. Here you are never alone.Wings of green, antlers on his head, his scent so familiar. So close and so far. A little owlet lands on my shoulder. For a moment not here for a moment complete.......I hear the drums it is time to come back, back into my body, back to the house.

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We have a petit lunch and than go to  big field of mossy grass where a big medicine wheel is spread out for us, with the four directions and a center.
We will do the ceremony with the pipe. Also know as the "pipe of peace" smoked by the native americans.
In each direction of the medicine wheel we will say prayers, say what we are gratefull for and give what we want to let go to the worry basket.
I am gratefull for a lot of things, and I pray for a lot too.
But I also let go a lot, a whole lot. And I can feel that even now. The ceremony does it's work. The energy still intense around me.
We took about 4 hours before finishing this ritual and than we go and eat.
But I still felt lost and wanted to get home as soon as possible. I needed to take my children, and wanted to see my beloved. I needed some arms to cry in. But once one, the tears could not get out.
I felt alone, misunderstood and so much more. I felt the group had let me down because nobody responded at my email. I felt like putting out a cry for help and got no answer :(
But that evening Lucia our teacher called me and I could tell her my story, how I felt and that gave me some air and made me feel better.

It is hard for me to ask for help. I was hard for me to pray for what I want but it was a relief to let so much go.

But now when I look back at the day I know my sisters were there that day, not by words at the moment that I wanted it the most, but with a song, singing it to me in the circle:

My sister, my sister, I pray for your courage, to do what you have to do for yourself....

And thinking back of that moment, gives me a lot of love and healing now, and that is what matters.

Lost and found?

I curl up next to my daughter, my body protective around her body.
Her little hand in mine. For one moment I feel lost, how on earth did the world forsaken me?
So many difficult choices, so many pain to work out, to face.
I she really all that I have?
I look at her and cry, my sweet little owlet, my heart.
I want the best for you, for your brothers but every choice I have in front of me seems bad.
I need rest, my body is broken and my spirit is about to break.
How can I hold on?
A tear rolls down face, I pray and take the hand of my little owl, Goddess protect us, give me strength, give me inner peace, give me love. Let all be fine, and soon please.
Please let me find the right way, please find me and take me where I got to be....

The creatures

Staying in connection with Mother Eart so consciously, makes that I see the creatures even more.

This creature was in the tree next to our farm :-) She is watching us from her place in the tree.

I do not know her story yet, maybe she will tell me before I leave here....

Broken Hearted

I have the heart-shaped stone in my hands. I think of my own heart. So broken, so hurt, so scared, but also filled with so much love. My life changed in so many ways and now it's almost for sure that I will move to Belgium. I tried everything to stay in the Netherlands, for myself, for my children, but I have no right on anything and I can not get a home here, I have no right on urgency for a house and have not enough income to rent something. So the only option left now is to go with my boyfriend to Belgium.
But that means I have to pay a high price again. Because my son wants to stay with his father. Eventhough it is in mine opinion it is better if he would go with me. But I also know it would break his fathers heart.
So what is it with following your heart is the best option? I don't know it anymore. I only know that if I would have stayed in my marriage I would die, I followed my heart and left, I fell in love. And now I feel broken hearted.
I want to try to understand the greater plan, I want to believe that everything will be allright.... but for now it feels like everything sucks, all is hard, and that there is no way out of this without hurt or pain. For me, for others. But deep down inside I know I made the best choice. And how everything will go, I really do not know. I think I entered one of the biggest adventures of my life and ready or not I have to face it now. It feels like jumping into the dark and that you have to believe that there are no sharp and pointy rocks at the bottom, and if there are, that I can fly over them.
Now more than ever I need to believe I can fly.