Broken Hearted

I have the heart-shaped stone in my hands. I think of my own heart. So broken, so hurt, so scared, but also filled with so much love. My life changed in so many ways and now it's almost for sure that I will move to Belgium. I tried everything to stay in the Netherlands, for myself, for my children, but I have no right on anything and I can not get a home here, I have no right on urgency for a house and have not enough income to rent something. So the only option left now is to go with my boyfriend to Belgium.
But that means I have to pay a high price again. Because my son wants to stay with his father. Eventhough it is in mine opinion it is better if he would go with me. But I also know it would break his fathers heart.
So what is it with following your heart is the best option? I don't know it anymore. I only know that if I would have stayed in my marriage I would die, I followed my heart and left, I fell in love. And now I feel broken hearted.
I want to try to understand the greater plan, I want to believe that everything will be allright.... but for now it feels like everything sucks, all is hard, and that there is no way out of this without hurt or pain. For me, for others. But deep down inside I know I made the best choice. And how everything will go, I really do not know. I think I entered one of the biggest adventures of my life and ready or not I have to face it now. It feels like jumping into the dark and that you have to believe that there are no sharp and pointy rocks at the bottom, and if there are, that I can fly over them.
Now more than ever I need to believe I can fly.

Between worlds

A weekend full with emotions, thinking, going back in lifes, worlds and feelings.
Last night I went to the beach. I love the feeling of going to the beach when it's dark. The lonely cry of the sea can calm my soul like nothing else. And yesterday it was also misty.
You could see nothing, but I saw everything. I was lost and found between the worlds.
And if I could walk into the sea, into the myst I would.

It's a feeling of ultimate loneliness, but in a positive way. I sang some songs for Manannán Mac Lir. I thougt about my spiritual travels going into the ocean as a selkie. And he teaching me the songs of the oceans, the stones hidden in the water, teaching me their wisdom. I prayed to Danu, to hold me and cradle me. To keep me safe. I begged Branwen to let me visions to be real, to heal my wounded soul.
I thougt about the visions I had and my worried heart.

Once home I thought about the conversation I had with one of my friends, I asked her for advice, because she is one of the few friends who can hear the voice of my heart when I can not hear it clearly myself anymore.
She wanted to pick me a card, but two fell out of the deck. One showed a picture of a woman sitting on a horse jumping from a cliff and the card said: I am in love with the adventure of life.
The second card said: I see my challenges as the highest goals in my life.
They hit me hard, and I could hear my heart scream out.... But I am afraid, I lock her out, because I am afraid for what I see.
Afraid for the joy of my own heart....

The days after.

Tired that is how I feel. Somehow the day had more impact on me than I expected. I touched something deep inside of me, and awakened some feelings. Today I spent some time finding the song that the women sang to me.
For some healing....

The Second Clanmother: Wisdom Keeper

Wisdom Keeper is the Protect-ress of Sacred Traditions, the Mother of Friendship, Planetary Unity and Mutual Understanding. She teaches us the art of self development and expansion, how to access Planetary Memory, personal recall, ancient wisdom and knowledge, to understand that every life form holds wisdom, how to be a friend and to restore friendship by honoring the viewpoints of all life forms. 

Today was the second circle of the clanmothers. I had been looking forward to it. After one moon of being busy with the first clanmother I could feel it was time to move on. I have taken the lessons from the first clanmother and keep them close to  my heart and with that feeling I left to the group today. I traveld most of the way together with my boyfriend. We had two rough days together, with a lot of talking that made clear both are hearts are so afraid to get hurt. So afraid of losing one another. So it was hard saying goodbye.


When I arrived at the station my friend Nancy was already waiting for me. For me comforting to keep my mind and my heart calm. We arrived early and got welcomed with hot tea, cookies and fire. A good welcome.
When everybody was there we got upstairs and opened the circle, we sang and than got outside to go to our place to connect with the second clanmother.


At my sacred place
The water is still covered with ice and yet I can feel the spring. The birds are singing. No death mouse this time at my place, pfew! But I did saw 2 times already 2 couples of "boomkruipers". Birds who will stay their whole lives together. A beautiful sign for two people who are that afraid. On the way in the train we also saw a field full with swans, monogamous birds also...
I have found my mate and would like to keep him. It will be fine.


I can feel the earth, the stones, their vibration low and deep. Their song...hummmmaaaaa, slowly, very low. Like breathing in and out. Hummmmmm...in....maaaaaa...out.
What do you want to know the stones ask me.
I don't know, is there and end?
No, they answer, and yes it will be fine daughter of the earth.
You also call me daugther of the ocean, fire child....?
You are her child and she is everything, and because of that so are you.


It becomes misty in front of my eyes, fairies dance on the water, I'm on the border, the edge of worlds, in between. Avalon is so close...
Lady, lady, part the mists for me...
Lady, lady, unveil your mystery.


I get my flute, close my eyes and play. I feel the creatures surrounding me, feel their energy, as I stop after playing a while, I can hear the drums, calling us back to the house... Did time went so fast?


I get up and get my stuff, give some cookies to the creatures and walk away from my place. I run into Nancy, I take her hand and we walk both back to the house. She tells me, next time when you play your flute, keep your audience with you! I laugh...somebody else noticed them too :-)


Back in the house we must pick out a stone with our eyes closed from the altar. We must connect with the stone and get to our deepest desire.My stone is heartshaped. Love.... Something that I am, something that is so important to me...Love.... THe stone felt cold at first, but gets more warm. Her song is high, like the purring of a cat but much higher. I hear giggling. Fairy energy telling me to feel the joy of my heart. Me deepest desire, to be love, give love, work with the horses. Love...the energy of the Robin. There he is again. After our meditation with the stone we tell about our experiences. When I tell mine about love, the horse and that I see all the stripes in the stone as scars. The sing for me.



How could anybody tell you that you are less than beautiful
How could anybody tell you that you are less than whole
How could nobody notice your love is like a miracle,deeply connected to your soul.


I can feel their love, feel my tears and can not let go. To afraid to get judged, rejected. So I swallow my tears and feel angry with myself. I feel stupid.


We go for lunch. A wren shows up. Sings for me. He is so pretty. So small yet king of all birds because he was so smart. He also makes me think inmediatly at Sorcha from the seven waters... Her love was almost impossible...but in the end everything turns out fine. She believed. She was his little owl, just like I am my boyfriends little bird and like Niiv is my little owl.
I feel my heart feel with warmth...it will be fine. Love is all. Love will win, not fear.


The rest of the afternoon I can not really remember, I remember emotions, and making the plate. Grey this time...


We get a new bead and close the circle. I feel tired and want to go home. I need to travel for more than a hour.
At the station my ex husband comes to pick me up to bring me home with my children. I am happy to see them and am happy to get home. I hug my daugther and bring her to bed.
The house is full of people, but it feels empty without my boyfriend and I feel stupid. Me, the independent woman, feel like a little girl missing her boyfriend...
I first call Nancy to tell her how I feel, that I feel like a pussy :(
She understands and that feels good. After that I call boyfriend, the talk is emotional. I feel my tears again, and again I can not let them go. He feels me. I try to explain my day, but it is hard, I'm full with emotions, with fear, I miss him and feel stupid about that.
But we have a good talk and I hang up the phone more calm.


I take my son to bed, and make tea. Together with my friend Gert I drink tea and have a good talk. That helps me get my feelings straight. After our talk I go to bed. Crawl next to my son. Tomorrow a busy day and I think to myself I wish it was monday... I wish him close to me.
I don't care about the feeling that I need him, I love him, I am allowed to feel safe with him and will be happy when he is back and feel like the little bird I am to him. Little, safe, protected and warm.
I will cry my tears than....

The battle of acceptance

I want to accept, this feeling of love, this feeling of happiness. Ik want to surrender to all what is good. But I am so afraid.
Acceptance seems to overcome terrain, but how do I surrender?
How do I listen to that soft calming voice, when the voice of fear tries to over-scream her together with a whole army?
And how do I gett o that state of surrender?
I can see it all so clearly, the how and the why.
Do I hold on to much to my pain, and if yes, how do I let go?
And than again the soft voice again, like a wave of acceptance, coming and going.
I never knew that surrendering to love, whatever kind of love, could be that hard and difficult.
And why we've cut ourselfs from the source, from ourselfs.
I should listen even better....

Freedom, Friendship and Love

I never knew that my jump into the deep would make me jump again and from an even higher place.

I feel like standing on the edge and my heart beats almost out of my chest and my questions go through my mind. But deep inside I know I must jump. In the last half year I learned so much.

First it started with reclaiming myself and with doing that I found myself in a complete new way of freedom. I realise now I am in control of my life, that I can make my own decisions. At first I was scared to death, I felt like I had now control, to finally find out that I had ALL the control. I realised how much it means to me to be close to nature, to do things my way, hoe much it means to be ME.

When I jumped into the deep by leaving my husband I got to know my true friends. People who supported me in every way, who I could talk to, who dried my tears and were not afraid to tell me when I was wrong. They grabbed me up and put me back on my path, they helped me to get stronger. But I also learned (and still  learning) to accept help, ask for help. That it is okay that you can not do it all alone sometimes.

Because "She who speaks with relations" taught me to go in every situation first into myself, I can see my lessons more clear and can I integrate it way more fast than before. I'm not blocking my own vision anymore or let it get blocked by others and because of that I can hear the voice of my heart much and much better.

It made that I am less afraid to show my vulnerability.

And than you find somebody who loves the person that I am. Who is not afraid of me, who thinks that I am the most beautiful woman in the world. Who saw me so vulnerable and said you are like a little bird that learns to fly again. He gave me my wings back. I am so grateful for this love.

And I also learn a lot from this love, from him. I learned to receive love again, I am learning not to be afraid of it. I learned "together" and not "together alone".

My trust in love came back. And with my trust in love, my trust in life.

All because I dared to jump.

So all I can do now is open my wings, jump from that edge and believe that I can fly.

2 Trainings at one time.

A bit unexpected I give my own training too this year.

I started at midwinter already teaching my boyfriend the ways of nature religion. But after a gathering with my birthday, my friends really thought that my boyfriend should get his training to become a priest of the Goddess too. So last weekend we got together for Imbolc and deceided that he would get also his earth initiation. But suprise was that on other friend wanted to have the training too, so instead of one, I did two initiations last saturday. And I must say it felt really good to be in this energy again. To do what I love so much.

We started with opening the circle and we did some really nice things together, like make a healing stone, asked for healing, we make a snake stick to help us shed our skin.

But for me the most beautiful part of the day was going outside, playing the drum and give the earth initiation to both J and D.

Preparing the table for making soft healing stones.

Learning how to felt (that was a bonus for me that day ;-) )

Once outside it was a wonderful experience to give the initiations.
To hear the heartbeat of the drums. 2 Men both so different in energy.

Me & J.

First I gave J. his initiation, the energy was soft but very strong. I felt al lot of creatures around us.
Once the Goddess took over I could feel the energy become more stronger and stronger. But also the energy of J. The earth energy completly took him over and gave him a lot of power in that moment and touched him very deeply. After that it was D's turn to get the initiation.

Me, D and his sword.

The initiation of D was also very pretty. His energy was more strong, connected to a very old energy.
His roots went very deep and far in many ways. I could feel his connection to the old Gods.
When the earth energy came up I could feel a male presence around us, very strongly.
I was amazing to feel :-)

Freezing around the farm ;-)
It was very very beautiful to do, but we were also very happy to get inside, get warm tea and talk it all over next to the heating ;-)